Verónica Pamoukaghlián

10 OkCupid Messages from Men that Almost Sent Me to a Nunnery

Verónica Pamoukaghlián shares 10 unbelievable OkCupid messages from men that make you wonder what any of these guys were thinking. 

 

Before social media took over our lives, dating was very different. When two people meet for the first time in real life, the conversation rarely revolves around sexual preferences, for example. But the anonymity of the Internet allows that, and more.

I joined OkCupid a year ago, basically to remind myself that after breaking up with the love of my life there could still be hope to find that perfect someone again. In some ways, I can say that it did the trick. At least on the screen, I am able to find many profiles that meet the intellectual, emotional, and physical characteristics that might make a man I could love.

But alongside that, and the ego boost of having interesting men telling me that they find me interesting too, I discovered a whole universe of people with few people skills, men who have no idea how to talk to a woman; sometimes Big Bang Theory style, but not because they were geeky or nerdy, instead they just seemed too desperate to be able to think straight.

From an anthropological standpoint, I have been really interested in reading the wackiest messages I received, and even talking to the men a little to see if they were for real. Because OkC asks so many questions about sexual preferences, ethics, and what not, the possibilities for research on the platform are endless.

While I haven’t written my academic research piece about online dating as yet, I decided I needed to share some of the craziest messages I have received, in case the search remains fruitless and someone needs an explanation when I finally give up on dating the opposite sex.

 

  1. Aren’t You Tired of Walking Alone? Marry Me!

So, nobody wants to walk alone, right? Mr. Ahmad (not his real name, but close), a little mustachioed man from the United Arab Emirates in an impeccable Armani suit thought no better than to introduce himself to me by referring to the discomfort associated with walking on one’s own and the necessity of “holding each other’s hand.” Not knowing very well how to respond to the marriage proposal included in his first message, I never got around to sending a reply.

 

  1. Want a Free Vacation? Come Have Sex with Me.

In the case of Arslan (all names have been changed to give the boys a chance if they should ever message you on OkC), the problem was not the message, but the profile. Arslan said something to me like, “Hey, gorgeous,” one of those super creative and engaging messages boys are often inclined to sending my way. When I went to look at his profile, the initial “about me” section read, “Want a free vacation on a beach in Turkey? All you have to do is pay for your plane ticket.” So, apparently, anyone willing to shack up with Arslan on a beach in Turkey (surely an enticing destination), could get free room and board. I am still considering the offer.

 

  1. Sexually Submissive?

So, maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But what I do know is I never want someone to ask that question before saying hello. Is that only me?

 

  1. You a Virgin?

Before telling you about this particular character (let’s call him Arun), I have to explain a little bit about my profile. It says very clearly that I equally appreciate the physical and the intellectual, and it offers several details about just how important a fulfilling, mind-blowing sex life is for me.

So, I’m quietly having dinner with a friend from London and my phone beeps with a message from Arun who says he’s interested in knowing me better. He is a student at some Ivy League University, which may be a good sign as to his intellectual worth (or not). My friend who knows all about the “sexually submissive” message tells me, “See, there are some normal men out there for you!”

But then I get home and look at Arun’s profile. I always go to “unacceptable answers” first, which shows you whatever they said that you are completely against, because I want to be able to disqualify candidates fast. So, I find that Arun prefers to date a virgin.

I am puzzled as to why he is talking to me in the first place. After a long argument about me wanting an equal and he preferring to teach the woman about sex (double yikes), I tell him that we are incompatible and he replies, “So, what can I do if I want to fuck/make love to a girl who thinks we are incompatible?” I begged Arun to talk to some female friends in order to learn how to talk to a woman. I seriously doubt he will. Needless to say, anyone who puts that slash where he put it has a minus one million chance of ever dating me.

 

  1. How’s Your Monday/Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday … Ad Nauseam

Okay, this one’s not wacky, but it is one of the most annoying things I ever receive. Considering that my profile mentions that I am writer, that I am into Borges and Max Frisch, Shakespeare and Keats, stuff like that, and I clearly state that I am attracted to minds. Is “How’s your Monday?” really the best thing you can come up with to attract an intellectual?

Also, how is a Monday different from a Wednesday? I just don’t get it. If I had to make a statistic of most frequent messages, “How’s your [FILL IN THE BLANK]?” would be right up there. To me, what it says is the person in question has nothing interesting to say and that is the best they could come up with. I don’t want a Shakespearean sonnet, but some effort and creativity would be nice.

 

  1. Go on, Say Yes, You Know You Want To

I receive many variations of this. People assuming a great deal, before even mentioning why there might be a connection between us, and just talking like we are both aware of some truth that I never received a memo about.

“I don’t know what the question is,” I once replied to a “Say Yes” from a guy who looked like my grandpa. And speaking of that, an awareness of how we might look in a picture together (e.g., would people think we are grandpa and granddaughter?) is REALLY something to be desired.

 

  1. Hey Sexy, Wanna Play Board Games with Me All Night?

I recently received a “Hey Sexy” message from a boy who described himself as someone who loves “playing video games, board games, and binging on Netflix.” That was at the top of his profile, so, one might assume it’s really important to him. My question is, “What on Earth does this guy need a sexy woman for?” If he had taken the time to read my profile, he would know that my only reason for binging on Netflix is not having someone special to do something more interesting with, and that I wouldn’t be caught dead playing a video game.

A very basic theory is that men just look at photos and never read your profile before writing to you. A more complex theory would be that most people do not take the time to learn who they are before they begin the hunt.

 

  1. Your Hat Is the Same Color as Mine, It Must Be True Love!

There are many variations of this; establishing total compatibility based on a random fact. Just today, I received a message saying, “I had to write you when I saw that one of your pictures was dated on my birthday.”

 

  1. How Can You Be an Empath and an Atheist?

I can’t explain this one, but I did get it recently. I just don’t understand the connection. Perhaps it means that only people who believe in God can give a dime about their fellow humans? I’m really at a loss.

The truth is I commonly get questions of this type, meant as some weird form of small talk. “How are you a humanist?” “If we went to dinner, what would you order?” It would seem that sometimes, on OkC, randomness rules and logic is out to lunch.

 

  1. You Seem Nice, but Are Your Boobs Real?

This is from one of my favorite messages ever. This cute 20-something boy, younger than me, sent me a message with a bunch of very direct questions. My favorite ones were the one about the boobs and, “Will my family like you?”

That surely was one guy who didn’t like to leave anything to the imagination. In case you are reading this, cute 20-something, they’re real, and they are spectacular.

(If you get the Seinfeld ref, please, by all means, OkC me!)

 

 

Verónica Pamoukaghlián

Verónica Pamoukaghlián is an Armenian-Uruguayan writer and award-winning filmmaker. She is a literary translator at Amazon Publishing and a regular contributor for Lento (Uruguay), Brainblogger, and Africa Insider. Her poetry has appeared in The Southern Pacific Review, The Armenian Poetry Project, The Armenian Weekly, Words Fly Away (Fukushima Poetry Anthology), Prism, Naked Punch (London), Sentinel Literary Quarterly (London), Poesia en el subte Anthology (Argentina), Arabesques Review. Short fiction in Book Lovers (Seal Press 2014) and the SEAF Literary Anthology 2014 (Seattle). Essays have appeared on The Acentos Review, Naked Punch and elsewhere.

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