TBS News Desk

I Saw the News Today: Trump Tax-Return Release, Brexit Date Set (sort of), Man Drinks from Shoe

Some of Trump’s tax return was leaked, Brexit meant Brexit, and Daniel Ricciardo drank from a shoe (please stop, Daniel).

 

The New York Times Publishes Three Pages of Trump’s ’95 Tax Return, Stickybeaks and Accountants Alike Get Decidedly Giddy

Da Trump has long held out his taxation records on the political stage, and for a man who has accrued a Shah-level of wealth, my two cents (and I mean that literally) says that of course he’s been underhanded. He’s a multi-businessman. I’m not saying he’s funneling money to the Contras as his hero did, but, sometimes in the business sphere, to survive one must bend the rules.

According to The New York Times scoop, Trump reported a $916 million loss for his gross income, which stems from his bankruptcy at the time. Ostensibly, The Times suggested that Trump could have legally used that loss to cancel out a similar level of income over the next x amount of years, thereby, why he hasn’t paid tax over that time. If it’s legal, who cares? I thought greed was, for want of a better term, good.

Well, apparently Trump cares. Ringing the klaxon, actioning the suits down at the lawyerhouse, his campaign said “the only news here is that the more than 20-year-old alleged tax document was illegally obtained.” The whole pickle stems from that game that we at The Big Smoke have labeled “sex for adults,” a.k.a., politics. The opponents of Trump have long claimed that his resistance to releasing his tax records stem from a dirty, dirty secret or that he’s not as rich as he claims.

Oh, politics. You stay classy.

 

UK Has a Divorce Date from the EU, Has Bags Packed in Preparation

It’s like that partner you had who drunkenly claimed one night that they were leaving; then, as morning and sobriety struck, said nothing of it, but with each minor squabble would again mention, “I am really leaving, you know.”

Well, British PM Theresa May has set a date for the beginning of the Brexit for March 2017. In what can only be described as classic English levity, she stated that “Brexit means Brexit,” although she didn’t stop to point out that such a meaningless catchphrase has no meaning.

Toasting this buttery piece of crumpet (the Brexit news, not Theresa May) at the Conservatives Party in Birmingham (good lord, what a mixer), PM May looked to speed Article 50, promising to begin discussions by March. She was applauded wildly by her fellow lawmakers, which certainly would have been rather a scene, old bean, mmmyes.

I don’t want to be cynical here, but what this means in layman’s is that the vote—which to those within (and outside) the UK was about whoknowswhat—will now step closer to a conclusion later on, with the potential of something happening. It seems in 2016, I’ve tarred every big political moment with the brush of “at least I lived long enough to see it”—which I now realize might not be a good thing.

 

Ricciardo Wins Malaysian GP, Drinks from Shoe—Nation Revolts

Daniel Ricciardo seems to be a genuinely nice guy. That guy who you’d try and be friends with, even though he’s really just here to take out your sister. With his megawatt teethypegs and an ability to drive a car real fast, he’s the bae-elect to the Australian community, taking over the reigns of that cranky man with the ramjet chin, Mark Webber.

However, Daniel, I just want to mention that Australia, as a nation, have had some dark times. They’ve climbed out of the shrimp-laden barbie that Paul Hogan kept them in, they’ve worked hard to put on a serious face, to be treated seriously, to walk tall, to show the world that they’re not entirely constructed of well-meaning, meat-cooking pissheads. Yes, they can be that, I admit, but by-and-large they’re not always like that. Being the fastest man in that sunburnt land, you represent the right foot of them all. So, please, don’t remove the shoe from that national foot and drink from it, it’s for all of them, bro.

Also, congratulations on your win.

Please stop. Australia loves you.

 

 

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