TBS News Desk

I Saw the News Today: Stiller’s Cancer Diagnosis, Duterte’s U.S. Breakup, Shkreli Saves 4chan

Well, Hump Day. What happened while you were asleep? Ben Stiller opened up about his prostate cancer battle, Duterte did Duterte things, and everyone’s favorite lad, Martin Shkreli, wants to save the troll house that is 4chan.

 

Ben Stiller Reveals Battle with Prostate Cancer, Gets Positive

Well, this is a fun and, fortunately, important one to kick things off. Ben Stiller opened up to Howard Stern about his scrape with prostate cancer two years ago. Fortunately, Stiller was able to do as Hollywood does and spread awareness about the treatment of things, which is indeed a good thing, and 2016 Stiller is cancer-free—also a good thing. Stiller mentioned that the “three months in between were a crazy roller coaster ride with which about 180,000 men a year in America can identify.” While prostate cancer is a bastard construct, it can be treated, which Stiller did, opting for early surgery (or a “robot-assisted laparoscopic radical prostatectomy,” if you prefer). The one thing you must not do, according to Stiller, is Google the people who have died from prostate cancer immediately after your diagnosis.

Oh, the glum, awkies, morbid chuckles. I’m glad you’re okay. The early treatment of cancer is a wonderful thing, however, I hope the finer points of Ben’s argument will not be reduced to the bitter borders of tl;dr.

 

Duterte Threatens to Break up with U.S., Get Guns out for Russia

Everyone’s favorite lyrical crackpot “Dirty Roddy” Duterte has rocketed his way back into our sights with yet more unbridled geopolitical nonsense. Weeks after being stood up by Barack Obama, Duterte emerged from his bedroom to note that he didn’t need the U.S. anyway, and thusly he’ll be getting what he needs from either Russia or China. Which is guns, muy guns.

Honestly, I love Duterte. He’s like the drunk uncle at the wedding who has wrestled the mic free from the emcee as he has some grievances to air. In response to the U.S. not selling him weapons to embolden his war against drugs, he said, according to Reuters:

“Although it may sound shit to you, it is my sacred duty to keep the integrity of this republic and the people healthy. If you don’t want to sell arms, I’ll go to Russia. I sent the generals to Russia and Russia said ‘do not worry, we have everything you need, we’ll give it to you.’ And as for China, they said ‘just come over and sign and everything will be delivered.’ “

This was all before adding the finishing touches to his bubbling insane paella by mentioning, in passing, that Obama can go to hell. However, he mentioned to the UN that “hell was full,” so probably best seek purgatory.

This kind of anecdotal cursey-waffle apes that of the scorned teen-bae who screams out loud that they didn’t really need you anyway, so your break-up means nothing, so ner.

Duterte closed with his own mic-drop/teen-band-chorus hook:

“This is my retaliation.”

Roddy out.

 

Nice Guys 4chan Struggling, Odd Savior Strikes His Hand Skyward

4chan, the wretched rolling pirate ship of unbalanced anonymous hate/kek is struggling to stay afloat. As the old saying goes, any port in a storm. However, the port on offer may embolden those on board to turn the cannons deckward and take their chances in Davy Jones’s locker. For the name of the port is:

Yeah. If it gets done (and why wouldn’t it?), surely 2016 will be marked the year when things stopped making sense.

 

 

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