The Big Smoke America has a big scoop exclusive: we have gotten our hands on the missive planned for President Trump’s very first press conference (after Tuesday’s yuge win, of course). The plans are bigly.
Good evening, citizens. Welcome to the first press conference of the President Donald J. Trump Administration.
I’m Ross Blanchard, the newly-appointed Secretary of Business Management, and I’m very excited to be here today. As a recent graduate of Trump University, I’m very fortunate to have been offered a position in the President’s cabinet. Well, actually, it’s more of a bureau than a cabinet. In fact, it started out as a branch of something and was turned into some boards and then was made into a bureau. But enough about my living conditions.
In keeping with his campaign promise to be the nation’s CEO, President Trump has appointed me to help run the country like a business. That is, after all, what you elected him to do. So, consider this more of a “staff meeting” than a “press conference” and me, well, your new boss.
Let’s get things started with what will be changing. We’ve inherited quite a mess, as you know, and we need to do some corporate house cleaning.
First off? Profitability. We’ve discovered that the U.S. government isn’t profitable. And, as you know, any business must turn a profit. For instance, we’ve been giving away military assistance to so many countries and we found out that many have not been paying for it. We will be sending special envoys to collect these overdue payments.
Some of you have asked about the large gentlemen with baseball bats around the White House. No, they’re not a baseball team; they’re our collections department.
Also, we feel there are several countries that need protection that don’t even know it yet. Canada. Perfect example. President Trump has been hearing things and tells me that many, many people are saying that Canada is just terrible and awful and there are some bad hombres lurking around. So, President Trump has sent Canada an invoice and a very nice letter:
“Dear Canada, Nice country you got there. Sure would be a shame if something happened to it.”
Despite the early success of our protection racket—er, program—the U.S. government is still not solvent. So, President Trump has decided to divest in some underperforming properties.
As many of you know, the entire state of Florida will be below sea level soon—through no fault of human activity, of course. It’s a natural cycle; and God is punishing those Floridians who did not vote for President Trump. And you know who we’re talking about.
We’re pleased to announce we’re pursuing a deal with the newly rediscovered nation of Atlantis to purchase what the President now affectionately calls “the limp dick state.”
President Trump read recently in our nation’s premiere and only remaining newspaper The National Enquirer that Atlantis and its King Atlas are in the market for some swampland and that the Atlanteans don’t mind living under a foot or so of brackish water.
The President also asked me to point out that reports of the Atlanteans as notorious slavers are quote “lies, lies, lies” spread by Plato and other media elites. Besides, President Trump plans to build a wall along the Florida border and have the Atlanteans pay for construction. Apparently, labor is rather cheap in their country.
So, we’ll need the entire Florida staff—uh, I mean, residents—to please move your cubicles—er, your homes—to Alabama as soon as possible. I was told most of you are living in trailers and that you all possess large pickup trucks, so this move should be quick for you. I’m empowering each and every one of you to figure out the logistics of the move on your own. Your ability to adapt in such a fast-paced environment will reflect highly on your performance reviews this coming spring.
Speaking of performance reviews, President Trump is concerned that not all of our employees—er, citizens—have been living up to their potential. Of course, along with the downsizing of the country comes a necessary reduction in staff, too. Underperforming citizens—namely, public school teachers, members of the media, and anyone possessing a degree in English who has not since recanted—will be laid off.
Now, some have called this a deportation of U.S. citizens, but, please, this is not. This is simply a reduction in staff. All companies have to do this. After all, to be healthy and profitable, a company needs to get rid of dead weight, right? Well, the same goes for a country if it is to be run like a business. Unproductive citizens, well, they need to go. And, again, we’re not deporting you, we’re firing you. Big difference.
Actually, we’ve found new exciting positions for each and every one of you for which we feel you will be more suited. As it turns out, we’ve retained a small interest in the new nation of Flor-Lantis who has agreed to take you in. So, the good news is some of you Florida residents won’t have to move after all. The Great Wall slash Dam slash Chick-fil-A project to which you will be assigned will be an exciting new opportunity to really flex your muscles—literally, flex your muscles.
In other changes to the Executive Branch, there will be no human resources department in our new corporate state. President Trump sees no use for such a low-energy department. In the absence of an HR department, President Trump asks that all complaints of “sexual harassment” be sent directly to him. He takes these incidents seriously and will review all allegations of “sexual harassment” personally.
Instead of the usual paper forms that loser HR departments use, President Trump asks that you film yourself a reenactment of the supposed “sexual harassment.” Of course, we understand that you wouldn’t want the accused in the film. That would be weird. So, the President, being quite the accomplished actor, will stand in playing the part of the accused. Come prepared for multiple takes as the President is quite a perfectionist.
Okay. Here’s a notation the President has scribbled into my copy. It says, “Eights and above only. Sevens and below aren’t anyone’s first choice and are clearly making that shit up. Weak.”
And finally, President Trump has disbanded the Federal Election Commission, stating that we won’t be needing any elections in the future since we’re running things like a business now. After all, when was the last time you elected your boss, right? C’mon.
(Photo by Miri Stebivka of Mirifoto)
[Ross Blanchard first performed this piece at The Atlantis Lounge in North Portland, Oregon, on October 30, 2016 for the “Death of Democracy” event, hosted by Darka and Miri Stebivka.]