Corie Skolnick

Go Fu%* Me

Corie Skolnick is launching a GoFundMe page to help her and Pablo buy a new house in Southern California. It won’t just be a winter retreat though, they also have an agenda.

 

Dear Friends and friends of Friends,

I’m writing today to announce the start of my new GoFundMe site!

I know you’ve seen a million of these, but please hear me out. As most of you know, Pablo and I did what “they” tell you not to do when we retired from the University two years ago and followed our kids up to Portland after 45 years in Los Angeles. Some of you may also be aware that it’s been a REALLY difficult year (weather-wise) in Portland. I mean, it snowed! A few times. (I saw on Facebook that it’s snowing there again, but I wasn’t actually able to eyeball any snowfall because we have repaired to our temporary VRBO winter retreat in San Diego until that bullshit is over.) Last month it dipped down into the low 30s. In Portland for fuck’s sake! (Do you believe in global warming now, DT?) Okay, I know some of you live in Pennsylvania and (God, why?) Minnesota so you are laughing at us, but, when you have lived in sunny Southern California for 45 years, your blood gets thin. (It really does, no joke. I’m freezing now and it’s 65 degrees.) So, anyway, sadly, after less than two whole years, Pablo wants me to move back to the southern climes and get out of that winter weather hellhole. (Fuck the kids, I guess.) (At least every single winter for three months.)

(Kind of ironic, eh, that a Libturd Snowflake (I think that’s what the RWNJs call us now, but whatever) is having a difficult time with the actual snow?)

So, please, stay with me here.

Yesterday Pablo dragged me out to a place called “Rancho Santa Fe” to look at real estate. At first he thought we could maybe buy a little “winter place” to escape to when the temps went frigid up in Oregon. Well, check your Zillow, people, ($$$$$$) there’s no little “winter place” in our future in Southern California without your generous help and contributions. (Hence, the GoFundMe.)

Rancho Santa Fe (who knew?) is among the pricier districts in the state. It’s also (no big surprise considering the wealth) exceedingly REPUBLICAN. Wealthy Republicans. Darrell Issa country, comrades. Nancy Reagan had a place there. So, enemy territory AND U.G.L.Y.

Honestly, for me, the place is EXACTLY what Malvina Reynolds was thinking about when she wrote “Little boxes on the hillside and they’re all made out of ticky-tacky ….” (You youngsters will recognize the tune from Weeds. The rest of you know it from ole’ Pete Seeger.) In fact, the chubby, bleached blonde with a bad hairdo and worse fashion sense (but more than her fair share of Botox) who was our Real Estate guide actually quoted a line from that song when I asked her “who lives here?” “Doctors and lawyers and business executives,” she replied (and now I can’t get that fucking song out of my head for anything).

When reality sank in and Pabs understood that we would never in a gazillion years be able to afford two homes (one of them in one of the most expensive zip codes in California, no less), he proposed a complete relocation. Because, you see, the only way economically we could pull off even a modest abode in RSF would be to sell our condo in Portland first. Yes, he wants me to abandon my beloved Progressive Portland!

Most of you know me and you know I do indulge Pablo in most matters, but on this I uncharacteristically (minutes after our lovely guide proudly announced her fealty to Herr Trump) dug in and said, “No way, Jose. I cannot live here. Not in the winter. Not in the summer. Not for one minute.”

All the way back to our temporary VRBO home down in San Diego Metro, he worked on me. Some of the features he really, really liked about the place in RSF included the fact that the development is age restricted to geezers. 55 and up. (What?! The kids? Who are you and what have you done with the father of my children?) And it’s gated! (Gated to keep out the kids I suppose because there’s nobody nefarious around those parts within 30 miles.)

When he understood that the idea of living behind locked gates in a Rich White Geezer Ghetto was creeping me out (especially with the very likely RWNJ political bent among the populace—the place is like a minimum security prison for white and white-collar felons), he switched tactics and suggested that we could move into Rancho Santa Fe and be like political operatives. We’d work our liberal agenda magic on the other geezers and charm them over to the light. Eventually. Probably. We’d go to their potlucks bringing Vegan casseroles and we’d offer them rides to the doctor (as you are aware, people on Medicare can afford to do this almost constantly). We would patiently listen to the problems they have with their meth-addicted grandchildren (and it’s always the Republicans who have meth-addicted grandchildren, isn’t it?). All the while we’d talk about “community” and “the general welfare.” We’d raise the collective consciousness with leftist subliminal messaging at Pinochle/Canasta/Bunko night. I could get all the Crafter Wednesday ladies to knit pink pussy hats. It would be just like the sixties! With pink pussy hats! We’d host fundraisers at our house for Gavin Newsom (he’d have to leave his kids at home though). We’d throw Move On parties and start a Democratic Club! We might even find some senior citizen closet cases and help them OUT.

And soon, voilà! Rancho Santa Fe would be the Berkeley of Southern California! Those Republicans would be our voting bitches!

He knows me so well.

But, honestly, with only a measly extra million dollars, I can keep my Portland address (and my progressive cred) while also doing some real political revolutionary shit down in Southern Cal when the weather turns to crap in Oregon. (#resist) (An extra $100K for landscaping and upgrades would be cool, too.)

So, please, go to my GoFundMe page now and donate generously!  It’s not just the million+ I’ll need for the house. Fair trade coffee for all those new Dems and the $20/glass organic Sauvignon Blanc we elites like to drink ain’t cheap. Subversive conversion of the GOP is gonna cost you.

Thanking you all in advance I remain #BlueToMyCore.

In solidarity,
C

P.S. Don’t follow your adult kids. Mine are already living in Boise.

 

 

Corie Skolnick

Corie Skolnick’s first novel, ORFAN (MVPress) has been optioned for adaptation and development as a feature film by Academy Award nominated (for BULL DURHAM) Director/Producer, Ron Shelton. She is the author of AMERICA’S MOST ELIGIBLE, a novel, (india street press), a contributor to the non-fiction anthologies, ADOPTION REUNION IN THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE and ADOPTION THERAPY, and has been published in NAILED MAGAZINE. She writes for the travel website, DESTO3.com and has been featured on David J. Core’s podcast, THRILLS AND MYSTERY. She is a Hugh C. Hyde Living Writers Series selectee.

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