The Big Smoke

From the Desk of Ivanka: Taking Care of Dad’s Business

In the latest in her exclusive [fake] series for The Big Smoke, key presidential adviser Ivanka Trump outlines measures under consideration to get Dad’s executive orders passed by Congress and the Judiciary.

 

As I sat down for a meeting of Dad’s inner circle this week, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pride that he’d been President for almost 100 days and only responsible for a couple of bombings.

“You know,” began Dad, “I think I’ve made a mistake.”

There was a stunned silence. Everyone in the room knew that for Dad to admit a mistake it had to be something catastrophic like pushing the nuclear attack button instead of the one to summon the tea lady.

“I should have drained the Washington Swamp as my first priority,” he said, “so there would be no dirt bags left to stand in my way of Making America Great Again.”

“I’ve placed all the members of Congress and the Judiciary who were responsible for blocking your legislation on the terrorist watch list,” announced Steve.

Even Dad thinks Steve is an extremist and only keeps him in the administration to deter him from taking up a position with Kim Jong-un.

“Look, I love democracy,” declared Dad. “No one loves democracy more than me. That’s why I opted not to shut down Congress despite their dogged opposition to my plans.”

“Woof, woof,” commented Mad Dog.

“Look, Dad,” I said helpfully, “I was booed in Berlin last week when I called you the ‘champion of women’ but I believe the key to your success lies in women becoming the champion of you.”

Kellyanne nodded vigorously in support. She had just returned from stirring the pot with her associates in Salem.

“Look, I respect women,” affirmed Dad. “No one respects them more than me. But I don’t see how they can help me prevent terrorists coming in from places like Sudan and then having access to free health insurance under Obamacare.”

“Here’s my plan,” I announced. “A group consisting of past Miss Universes and I would stand naked on top of the Capitol Building until Congress agrees to pass all your bills.”

“Interesting idea,” remarked Dad, “but most members of Congress are pervs who would delight in keeping you up there permanently.”

“But I would also bring on a massive campaign to encourage the women of America to strip in support,” I explained, “so there would be some pretty confronting sights out there which would put Congress under enormous pressure, especially when it gets frosty.”

“I would never have believed that so many women would get their gear off for me,” revealed Dad.

“That’s not what you said on your groping video,” I reminded him.CCF04302017

 

 

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