Selfies today, gone tomorrow. Social media has many ways to deal with your death. You can even haunt your loved ones if you so wish. You monster.
Here’s a fun truth. Soon, you’ll be very much dead, and what a day that’ll be. As the book closes on your eulogy and your loved ones file out of your funeral toward the refreshment tables, the remnants of who you are as an individual will only exist on your numerous social media platforms. The question is, who would you trust with your social media life after death? Most platforms offer a service, but the tricky bit would be finding a suitable applicant.
However, as winter turns to summer and people carry on with what you couldn’t (living), what happens to those profiles of those like you, that sucked the life out of even you, when you were alive? Well, as it turns out, they can make you live again. Not in any meaningful I’ll-get-to-say-goodbye-properly way, but rather, with a steady string of pre-programmed hot takes emerging from your newly-dead samey ignorance.
If that happens to be your final wish, a certain company will undertake this for you. They’ll spam your nearest and dearest with your pointless ramblings in perpetuity, never allowing them to move on. You can even ruin their future birthdays with greetings from beyond the grave. Which I would personally do, if only to periodically tell people that I can see them.
Who wants to troll … forever?!
Beyond that, it gets morbidly interesting. On Facebook, you can elect one of your circle to become the creepy caretaker of your virtual cemetery, the goblin responsible for the removal of all that graffiti on your tombstone that speculates how death didn’t change you, as your narcissism game is as strong as your body is weak; and lol what a dick.
Over on Instagram, you can do the same, but only blood can ferry your profile over to the land of the dead. Which, for a website populated by idealized, misleading snapshots of your life almost lived, the seriousness of their rules makes sense. Insta was made for a funeral; perfect lighting with none of the shadows. How many duck faces does it take to define a person? How many recorded breakfasts constitutes a life not squandered? Towering questions I’m glad I won’t be around to hear the answer.
However, there is a catch. Only your original followers can view your original posts, which, you could argue, they have already got sick of. So, using your death as a part of your social media strategy might not be the wisest idea.
That being said, and I don’t want to rain on anyone’s funeral parade, but, pursuing any of the above in an effort to remain memorable will ensure it, but probably not in the way you envisioned. An important part of this life is leaving it and sometimes a sudden exit is the most elegant. I mean, who wants to hang out with a dead person, a reconnection primarily enabled by the fact that they’re dead?