Paris Portingale

Guns Trump Knives Every Time: A History of Weaponry

President Trump addressed the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in Dallas on May 4, 2018, and demonstrated how knives can stab. (YouTube)

President Trump addressed the NRA and Paris Portingale breaks down the history of weaponry as only he can. Be thankful there’s no pocket-sized nuclear missile. Yet.

 

Many years ago, things were very primitive and you could typically only kill one person at a time. Mainly you got a knife and then stabbed them. If you wanted to kill five people it was stab, stab, stab, stab, stab.

After that there came “knife-on-a-stick” or the spear. You could still only kill one person at a time, but you could do it from further away which, depending on your point of view, was considerably safer. Spear, spear, spear, spear, spear.

After a while, people found stabbing and spearing tedious and tiring and for some years it was abandoned, to be replaced by name calling and rude gestures.

As always happens, time went by and the cannon was invented and killing was once again popular as both a professional vocation and occasional weekend sport. As many as eight or nine people could now be killed at one time and a new golden age was born.

Things then went well until America was discovered, causing prohibition and, in turn, the creation of people with names like Al, Bugsy, and Baby Face Nelson who needed to ride around on car running boards while shooting. In this particular direction, it was quickly discovered the cannon was not the way to go.

But along with prohibition, America quickly spawned a slew of brilliant new minds. Benjamin Franklin comes immediately to mind here with his invention of the electric kite, although more immediately aligned to the topic are the famous gunmen, Smith & Wesson. Knowing a good opportunity when they saw one, they quickly developed the “Pocket Cannon,” also known as the gat, roscoe, or heater; but today, known simply as the gun, shooter, or piece.

 

Many years ago, things were very primitive and you could typically only kill one person at a time. Mainly you got a knife and then stabbed them. If you wanted to kill five people it was stab, stab, stab, stab, stab.

 

The thing with human ingenuity (as with many ingenuities, like those of the rat and the common sewer weasel, etc.) is it rarely remains lounging around on a street corner picking its teeth; so, the gun, gat, and roscoe were, over time, refined, and now every jumped-up Kim Jong-un and President Booger Booger has a missile with a nuclear bomb stuck to the end.

Of course, as much as we’d all like to, we can’t walk around with nuclear weapons in our pockets the way we can with guns. That would be impractical, just from the point of view of size alone, so with that in mind I can’t see there ever being a time when anyone can just walk into a shop and get a missile and holster and put it on their bank card.

A gun, yes, and I’m looking particularly here at countries like Norway, Italy, Switzerland, the Czech Republic, etc., etc., etc. Bosnia, Honduras, Panama, and so on. They all have quite accommodating gun laws, pretty much anyone can get a gun. Some countries you can even get them at the local Walmart. But concealed nuclear weapons? Not so much. There’s no country in the world that has that enshrined in their constitution.

So, rest assured and live on in the warmth that, if you get into an argument with a neighbor, the worst you can expect is you get shot, not fried to a crisp in a nuclear explosion. There’s a comfort you don’t find in a lot of things in the world today.

 

Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

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