Paris Portingale

Star Trek: Two Long Lost Scenes from the Original Series

Back when the original Star Trek series had its run, a young, twenty-something Paris Portingale tried to join the writing team … below is his long lost submission.

 

[INT. BRIDGE]

SCOTTY: She can’t take much more of this, Captain.

SPOCK: Perhaps we could run an extension cord from the Phase Regulator?

SCOTTY: All the way to the engines?

KIRK: Do we have one long enough?

SCOTTY: No.

SPOCK: What about all these short ones? We could join them all together?

SCOTTY: No, much too dangerous.

SPOCK: We could put up a sign, “Beware of the Cord.”

SCOTTY: We’ve already got a sign, “Beware of the Borg.” It’d just be confusing.

SPOCK: Alright, well, could we try turning off the air conditioners?

KIRK: No, that would take too long. I say we go with the extension cords.

SCOTTY: Over my dead body.

(The control room door opens and Chekov enters with Ambassador Hirsh Goldstein who’s on his way to see the Klingons. The Ambassador could be played by Gilbert Gottfried, or any other Jewish comedian who shouts everything.)

CHEKOV: This is the control room where the captain steers the ship.

AMBASSADOR: Hmm. (looks around) What’s that thing over there?

CHEKOV: I’m not sure. What’s that thing over there, Spock?

SPOCK: What, the orange box with the light on the top?

CHEKOV: Did you mean the orange box with the light on top, Ambassador?

AMBASSADOR: No, the thing next to it.

CHEKOV: Next to it on the right?

AMBASSADOR: No, the left.

CHEKOV: (to Spock) The thing to the left of the orange box with the light on top.

SPOCK: The brown thing with the lever coming out the front?

CHEKOV: (to the Ambassador) The brown thing with the lever coming out the front?

AMBASSADOR: Yes, that thing.

CHEKOV: (to Spock) Yes, the brown thing with the lever coming out the front.

SPOCK: That turns the space lights on and off.

AMBASSADOR: The ones on the outside?

SPOCK: Yes, those ones.

KIRK: Mr. Chekov, why don’t you take the Ambassador down and get Uhura to show him our new voice-activated printer.

(Chekov and the Ambassador leave.)

KIRK: Okay, Spock, connect the extension cords.

SCOTTY: Touch those cords, Spock, and I’ll give you one hell of a fucking Glasgow Kiss you won’t forget in a month of Sundays, boyo.

SPOCK: What’s a Glasgow Kiss?

(Scotty shows him a Glasgow Kiss and headbutts him to the floor.)

 

[INT. PRINTER ROOM]

UHURA: Ambassador, this is Hal, our new voice-activated printer.

(She taps on the front.)

PRINTER: Who is it?

UHURA: It’s Uhura. Open the paper tray drawer, Hal.

(There’s no response. Uhura knocks again.)

PRINTER: Who is it?

UHURA: It’s Uhura. Open the paper tray drawer, Hal.

PRINTER: Who?

UHURA: Uhura. Open the paper tray drawer.

(There’s no response and Uhura knocks again, harder.)

PRINTER: (After a pause.) Who is it?

UHURA: It’s me, Uhura. Open the paper tray drawer.

PRINTER: Uhura?

UHURA: Yes, Uhura. Open the paper tray drawer.

PRINTER: Uhura?

UHURA: Yes, Uhura.

PRINTER: Uhura’s not here.

AMBASSADOR: Here, let me try.

(He knocks on the front of the printer.)

PRINTER: Who is it?

AMBASSADOR: Ambassador Goldstein.

PRINTER: Ambassador Goldstein?

AMBASSADOR: Yes, Ambassador Goldstein.

PRINTER: Ambassador Goldstein’s not here.

 

~FINIS~

 

 

(Apologies to Cheech & Chong and Stanley Kubrick.)

 

Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

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  1. Pingback: Star Trek II: More Long Lost Scenes from the Original Series - The Big Smoke

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