Paris Portingale

Predictions for the Future

Apropos to nobody asking, Paris Portingale weighs in with his predictions for the future … you know, sometime later-ish, and in no particular order.


Flying cars. Everyone is going to have a flying car. It’s going to be chaos up there. I’m not going to get one. You have a crash up there, you’re not walking away from that one. Oh, who am I kidding, of course I’m going to get a flying car.

Disasters. I predict there will be disasters and a lot of people are going to die. This will involve volcanoes and people getting blown up. And other stuff. Terrible, terrible, terrible. And black boxes. From the aeroplanes. I predict a lot of black boxes. They’re not allowed to throw those things away. They’re just going to pile up and pile up, so my prediction is the future’s going to be mainly about black boxes.

The end of the world. I mean, the thing’s got to happen sometime. It’s in the bible. So, with that in mind, I predict it’s going to rain frogs and scorpions for about 40 days and 40 nights and then everyone who’s ever died is going to rise up out of the ground. It’s going to be a busy time. When everyone’s up and the frogs and scorpions have stopped, God is going to come down and judge everyone. I imagine it’ll be like on a scale between one and a hundred. Anyone with less than fifty will have their papers stamped “Hell” in red, and the rest get a blue stamp saying “Heaven,” and then they’ll all be shuttled off, up or down, depending on the color of their stamp. Then the world will end. I predict this will happen sometime in the future. Not next week, further off than that.

On the flip side, a lot of things aren’t going to happen. There will be no zombie apocalypse. Also, we’re not going to get invaded by space creatures from another planet. Giant spiders will not roam the streets, and radiation will never turn anyone into someone who can fly. My prediction is none of that’s going to happen.

2016 is going to be as shithouse as 2015.

Adam Sandler will never be funny. Not now, not in the future, not ever.

Computers will be able to read our minds. At first, people will think this is great, and then they won’t. The man who invents mind-reading computers will be going, “Well, I never should have done that,” mainly because it will have spelled the end of the world, depending on when the one with frogs and scorpions is timed for. Whichever one comes first, it could go either way. Anyway, no need to worry about that now because it’s all going to happen in the future.

The future will encompass big changes. The Bermuda Triangle will move somewhere else. This will be because it will be full of black boxes and unable to hold any more. My prediction is it will move to somewhere like the South of France. This will be bad for the South of France but good for Bermuda because people will start going back there for their holidays again. There will be other big changes but that’s the biggest one in terms of actual size.

Shit will hit the fan, it’s going to be payback via the planet’s shit fan. Not just a couple of turds either, piles of it. People will be going, “What the fuck is all this sh—” and then they’re going to be hit in the mouth by a pile of it. And don’t be surprised if some of the shit’s from some dump you’ve taken. Everyone’s going to be adding to the pile heading for that baby. Fan blades are going to be whirring and shit’s going to be flying, so one of my predictions for the future is, the world’s going to be covered in shit. It may not be the end of the world, but there’s going to be a lot of shit.


Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

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