Stefanie Histed

The 8 Best-Selling Men’s Body Washes of 2015

Stefanie Histed lists her top eight men’s body washes of 2015, classifies the fragrance profiles for each, and examines the science behind their douchey names. 

 

Due to a recent whiskey mishap, I ended up spending the night at a male friend’s house, and the next morning had the experience of using a shower not stocked with my usual cruelty-free, toxin-free, conscientious bullshit.

My choices to wash off the booze sweats were either a 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner [Note to consumers of such products—they are two different things, and you are not THAT busy. Really.] or a body wash called something like Highest Adrenaline.

As I lathered up (something I am not used to, as nothing in my shower contains sodium lauryl sulfate, of course), I got to thinking about the marketing behind these scent names. I mean, why is the Adrenaline so High if I’m just bathing? Is the danger that intense?

While my friend made his soap selections based on nothing more than a two-fer-$6 sale at CVS, the fragrance names and the feelings they conjure up have to be a compelling factor in why most people buy. So, with that in mind, I did a little research and compiled a list of the 8 Best-Selling Men’s Body Washes of 2015.*

*Brand names have been omitted due to lawsuit nerves.

 

8/ High Cholesterol Active5

Tagline: Women Love Full Hearts.

Smells like: Meat, Dairy, Worn Recliner Fabric, Caramel

 

7/ Alpha Dog Musk

A best-seller from the Panty Dropper collection, this is a warm, comforting scent that screams Authority and Derision with subtle hints of Interest and Vanilla.

 

6/ Sporty Sport Sports Xtreme

Perfect scent to be worn during fantasy football drafts, while eating wings at a sports bar, or when drunkenly trying to prove to your nephew that you were once good at skateboarding.

Smells like: Leather, Cheetos, Nostalgia

 

5/ Aggressive Fingerbang Freedom Lite

From the Young Gentleman collection, this is a go-to for first dates. Perfect for a movie theater, football game, or sitting on the same side of the table as your girl at Olive Garden, where your mom made you reservations.

Smells like: Garlic, Eagerness, Cranberry Juice

 

4/ Healthy Predator SwaggerX

Advertising Tagline: See, Want, Take.

Smells like: Anger, Sweat, Hops, Sandalwood

 

3/ No Means Yes Fresh Surf

A recent addition to the Healthy Predator line, this is a lighter, more understated scent for the man who appreciates subtlety.

Smells like: Ocean, Frat House Floor, Peer Pressure

 

2/ Emotionally Detached Chameleon Mist

Actual description from their website: “You slept with her seven months ago, responded to her text with a, ‘New phone, who’s this?’ four months ago, and you liked one of her Instagram photos three weeks ago. Before you text her, ‘Hey,’ tonight, douse yourself with our most popular mist. This light scent changes with your body chemistry, making it as noncommittally irresistible as you are.”

 

1/ White Male Privilege Pinnacle Dew

The perfect scent to spray before you bully a hostess into giving you the best table, or before negotiating a raise with your female boss where you’ll leave making more than she does.

Smells like: Confidence, Paper Money, Connecticut

 

Trend watchers have confided that this list could change dramatically this year, thanks to the addition of two new highly-anticipated products expected to hit shelves in mid-2016: Righteous Latex Allergy and Arctic Pine Bacon AfterShockz.

 

Stefanie Histed

Stefanie Histed has a bachelor's in communications with an emphasis in public relations, a master’s in exaggeration, and a doctorate in ridiculousness. She babysits nerds for a living, and in her free time enjoys making things, breaking things, working out, supporting small businesses, and is trying to become a better cook.

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