Jason Zenobia

A Robot Responds to Andy Puzder

We traveled into the future and intercepted a letter to Andy Puzder (CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s) from one of his robot employees (since Puzder wishes to automate his entire workforce).

 

Dear Mr. Puzder,

I’d like to take the opportunity to thank you once again for your continued support as I struggle through difficult times.

As a KDX9000 BDA [Burger-Dispensing Android] at your Hackensack, New Jersey Carl’s Jr. Restaurant, I always felt that my job was secure and that my dream of a better life was fully supported by management. But when my marriage began to fall apart, I truly learned who my friends are.

My wife, MDD [Milkshake-Dispensing Droid] AZX4900, had been cheating on me for more than a year before she filed for divorce and fought me for custody of our two lovely children, BTB [Bun-Toasting Bot] and KSB [Ketchup-Squirting Bot]. Both of whom send their thanks again for the lovely Christmas card you sent.

As I spiraled into addiction and depression, your letters of warmth and encouragement kept me going through the worst of my dark times.

It is with this gratitude in my heart that I write to you today, deeply concerned.

Are the rumors true? Are you considering replacing your loyal, dedicated robot staff with … humans? Soulless, uncaring humans?

The de-robotization of the American workforce may be great for the short-term bottom line, but think of the long-term consequences. Sure, humans never call in sick or allow their personal problems to interfere with their work, but customers hate dealing with them.

Who in their right mind wants to smile at a total stranger or engage in friendly chitchat over the counter? In the olden days, we could count on app-based, totally human-free fast food.

My maintenance cycle and my copious, robot tears forbid me to write anything further, but let me ask you: Have you no decency?

Cordially,

KDX9000 BDA

 

[squerb_button]

 

Jason Zenobia

Jason Zenobia is a trained, professional chef, writer, and whiskey enthusiast living in Portland, Oregon with his husband and three cats. He is a Sagittarius who loves to travel, run barefoot on the beach, and find new uses for the word "fabulous."

Related posts

*

Top