I suspect that I’m a terrible person, so, through a very special Blurst of Reddit I’ll be confirming my suspicions via a contest!
Are you ever at home by yourself, all dressed up in a heavy black cloak, sitting in your large skull and bones throne you bought from SatansEbay.com, tapping your fingers on the armrest (made of arms), all the while daydreaming of ways to traumatize children?
Well, thank fuck.
Anyway, the reason I asked that important question is because Reddit seems to cater to the dark people of our world. Maybe not as dark as the one I described above, but on the spectrum; and I suspect I may be among them.
So I’m going to test myself (and feel free to follow) to see if the absolute Blurst of Reddit makes me LOL or scrunch up my face in disgust.
The winner is deemed he or she who laughs least, or comes out of this with a modicum of self-respect.
Here we go.
Skateboard Baby Stroller
Okay. Clearly, this is just stupid. Who would want a contraption that might just send your kid into a coma (or worse) due to your fucked up Tony Hawk aspirations?
Yes, you’d have to be doing tricks on this baby stroller skate thing to possibly hurt your kidlet; and seeing the size of the skating stroller, it’d be difficult.
If you just skated along boringly, the little rascal would be fine. On the other hand, if you had a small adult friend (not sure of the politically correct name to call a small person), doing tricks would be funny as hell and you wouldn’t worry as much about their physical welfare because they’re adults.
Although, if I saw a parent grinding down a rail with their kid in tow, I’d be pretty impressed. Okay, I change my mind; I’m in, sign me up.
The Multitudinous Applications of Childhood Trauma
Alrighty, so this next one I don’t agree with, for sure. If you laugh at this, you’re a sickie.
This kid is going to have Transformers-themed nightmares for the next 15 years and will need to seek therapy in order to solve the issues surrounding the time the car almost ate her and how her dad just laughed.
It’s so horrible … yet totally something I would do. What is wrong with me?
You know what? I did laugh! I was just pretending I wouldn’t laugh at this to seem decent. You can’t help but watch.
I’m a monster! I blame Funniest Home Videos. Too many people falling over. They even put laugh tracks on each clip! Or I could blame my own childhood, like this comic story:
The Airport Safety Check
Airport security is no joke and you can certainly not make any jokes during the process of airport security.
But do you find this funny? Do you?
If One Seeks Violence, Then Violence Ye Shall Find.
Last challenge. Clearly someone has woken up on the wrong side of the bed too many times in a row. Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I want to punch people out and I’ll threaten to punch people in the face often (Brucey!) but I’m joking about it, of course.
(I’m really coming off great in this Reddit piece.)
I actually couldn’t even kill a fly!
Clearly the application of violence is not for all. Nor does a poorly planned robbery a successful villain make. Lose two points if you chuckled at the sleeper takedown from a member of the general public!
Readers, the test is now complete. I’m clearly a dark, twisted, and somewhat crazy human being, but how did you go? Do you feel better about yourself?
No? Oh well.