Roger Pugh

Letter to America: A No-Brainer

In his latest Letter to America, Australian Roger Pugh proffers advice on weathering the political campaign season and avoiding brain damage.

 

G’day Americans,

Down here we’re very worried about the effect this prolonged Presidential campaign could have on your mental health.

There are countless examples of people suffering brain deterioration during election campaigns. The worrying thing is that there is no known cure and most sufferers are condemned to careers as politicians.

The Australian Electoral Brain Damage Foundation has developed a set of guidelines to protect voters from going absolutely barking during elections and I thought you might find them useful.

First and foremost, it is essential to accept the principle that politicians do not deliver on promises made during election campaigns. Once this premise is fully understood, it significantly reduces the chances of a mental implosion caused by a politician routinely reneging. Further, it brings realization that it’s the inherent quality of the promise itself that matters in an election campaign because the non-delivery comes later.

Next, you must strictly limit yourself to one election TV program a week. The brain is simply not designed to process political putrefaction at the rate politicians pump it out during election campaigns. It can cause blockages in the brain similar to those in overloaded sewage systems, but it’s critical to ensure you get treatment from psychiatrists rather than plumbers.

During election campaigns, it is absolutely essential to board up your house to give the impression it is uninhabited. This discourages candidates from seeking to speak to you personally. Mental health experts at the Foundation believe such approaches can have an even more deleterious effect on brain function than visits from Seventh Day Adventists.

One big advantage you have in America is that the candidates provide vehicles to take you to vote. If that also provides you with a free ride to the shops and you then vote for the rival candidate, that’s the sort of relief that can help you get through a campaign with a full set of marbles.

If after an election is done and dusted you still expect the winning candidate to deliver on his or her promises, you are almost certainly suffering from electoral brain damage. You should visit an electoral brain damage specialist without delay because you could be in serious danger of becoming a candidate at the next election.

Please write to the Australian Electoral Brain Damage Foundation for further information.

Roger Pugh

 

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Roger Pugh

Following a career that comprised heading up global marketing departments and advertising agencies Roger made a seachange to his hobby of humorous writing by co-founding Political Satire site, Friday Mash. Roger is now the Native Content Director, heading up The Big Smoke’s Creative team and a regular political columnist in both Australian and USA editions of The Big Smoke.

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