Paris Portingale

Star Trek II: More Long Lost Scenes from the Original Series

Paris Portingale unearths more scenes he wrote for the original Star Trek in an attempt to join Gene Roddenberry’s writing team.

 

Here’s a letter I sent to Gene Roddenberry back in 1967 after the second series of Star Trek started airing. Having had my first script suggestions rejected, I thought I’d have another try.



Dear Mr. Roddenberry,

I think this would make a good episode of Star Trek. I could come over and help you make it. I watch a lot of TV so I know how things work. I like Star Trek and never forget to watch it because it comes on right after Wagon Train.

Thank you.
P. Portingale

 

STARDATE 2386.

(Captain Kirk, a little tipsy, wanders into the USS Enterprise’s transporter room.)

KIRK: Scotty, Scotty, give us a hug, there’s a boy.

(Scotty reluctantly hugs Kirk.)

KIRK: Beam me, Scotty. Beam me away.

SCOTTY: Where to, Captain?

KIRK: I don’t know, Scotty. Surprise me.

(Scotty turns to activate the dematerializer, but when he looks back, Captain Kirk has gone, wandered off back up to the bridge to see what’s going on up there.)

(On the bridge of the USS Enterprise the doors hiss open and Kirk stumbles in.)

KIRK: Yo.

(Kirk walks unsteadily to the captain’s seat where he sits and starts pressing buttons.)

KIRK: Warp speed … standard speed … warp speed … standard speed …

(People are being thrown about. Some of the crew start throwing up.)

 

(Meanwhile, on the Klingon Warship, Ho-Jejqu.)

CAPTAIN KRASK: What’s another name for a leech, Lieutenant Krill?

LIEUTENANT KRILL: A leech? …. No, sorry, I can’t think of one, Captain.

KRASK: A Klingon.

KRILL: (Looking puzzled.) I don’t understand.

KRASK: Cling-on. Leeches cling onto you. Get it?

KRILL: But we’re Klingons.

KRASK: I know. It’s a joke, Krill.

KRILL: Oh. (He still looks puzzled.)

KRASK: (Looking at the Deep Space monitor.) Why is the Enterprise speeding up and slowing down like that? What are they doing?

KRILL: But we don’t suck onto things. Why would …

KRASK: Forget it, Krill. It was just a joke.

KRILL: But, we don’t even look like leeches.

(Exasperated, Krask stabs Krill in the neck and takes over the controls.)

KRASK: (To the others on the bridge.) I think I know how they’re doing that. Here, look at this.

(The other officers gather around.)

KRASK: See … (He presses buttons.) Warp speed … standard speed … warp speed … standard speed … (The other Klingon officers grab what they can to stop flying around into things.)

 

(Back on the Enterprise.)

KIRK: Hooroo.

UHURA: It’s Uhura, captain.

KIRK: Get me the Ho-Jejqu on the communicator, Hooroo, I want to speak to Krask.

(Uhura gets Krask and hands Kirk the phone.)

KIRK: Krask?

KRASK: Kirk?

KIRK: Hello, Krask.

KRASK: What do you want, Kirk?

KIRK: How are you, Krask? How are things overthere?

KRASK: What do you want, Kirk?

KIRK: Hey, Krask, killed anyone recently, you bloodthirsty bastard?

KRASK: Krill.

KIRK: What?

KRASK: I just killed Krill.

(There’s a long pause.)

KRASK: Kirk? Are you still there?

(Kirk has put the phone down and wandered off. He’s gone down to the engine room to have a drink with Scotty and see how the engines are going.)

 

(Back on the Ho-Jejqu.)

KRASK: Krop, get me Kirk on the Enterprise.

(Krop gets the Enterprise on the communicator.)

KRASK: Put Kirk on.

(Uhura hands the phone to Kirk, who’s back on the bridge and now quite drunk.)

KRASK: Why did you ring me, Kirk?

KIRK: Who is this?’

KRASK: Krask.

KIRK: Krask?

KRASK: Yes, Krask. Why did you ring me?

KIRK: I think you rang me, Krask.

KRASK: Not now, before.

KIRK: I can’t remember. Why did you kill Krill? Why do all your names start with K?

KRASK: What do you want, Kirk?

KIRK: I don’t know, you rang me.

KRASK: Stop ringing me, Kirk. What are you, drunk?

KIRK: Why, do I sound drunk?

KRASK: Yes. Are you on the bridge?

KIRK: Yes, I’m steering the ship.

KRASK: Excellent. Where are you? Never mind, I’ll find you on the space monitor.

(Krask hangs up.)

KIRK: I think Krask is coming over.

(He gets up.)

KIRK: I’m going down to the medical bay to have a drink with McCoy. If anyone wants me I’ll be down in the medical bay. Send Krask down. When he gets here. When Krask gets here tell him I’m down in the medical bay with Dr. McCoy. Tell him to come down, we’ll be having drinks.

(Kirk heads towards the doors and they hiss open. Kirk stumbles going through and they close on his head.)

 

Postscript: The thing is, I was going through a rough patch back then. The sixties were pretty hard on me. Drugs were easy to get in those days and I took a lot of them. Also you could get a fifth of whisky for about a buck fifty so, you know, I did a lot of drinking as well. It was a bad time. I did a couple of weeks for drunk and disorderly and when they let me out they wouldn’t give me my shoes back. It was hard. Anyway, I saw Roddenberry as my way out but the guy turned out to be an arsehole. That’s why you never saw a Star Trek episode where Kirk gets his head stuck in the self-opening doors. Because Roddenberry is a fuck-wad arsehole cunt.

 

[squerb_button]

 

Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

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