TBS Newsbot

I Saw the News Today: George Pell, Lena Hacks Trump, Godzilla Returns

I saw the news today and, well … George Pell is again pursued by the law, Lena Dunham popped the boot into Trump, and Godzilla made his sporting debut.


Cardinal George Pell Target of Active Police Investigation, Multiple Claims Made

The flatfoots of task force SANO are now turning their attention to Cardinal George Pell in response to multiple allegations of sexual abuse leveled against him. The Australian Victorian police are focusing on the supposed acts of the Cardinal between 1970-1980, as reported by the Australian ABC’s 7:30 Report.

Pell himself (well, his office) has vehemently denied the claims:

“The Cardinal does not wish to cause any distress to any victim of abuse. However, claims that he has sexually abused anyone, in any place, at any time in his life are totally untrue and completely wrong.”

What makes this situation different from the last time that Pell was forced to squint by the blinding light of public investigation is that he is the sole target as opposed to the Vatican video link beset by amnesia and a lack of conclusion.

However, before we judge, it should be known that Pell faced similar accusations in 2002, but he was found innocent. Either way, Tim Minchin best warm up the keyboard.


Lena Dunham, America Ferrara Ratchet up Schtick, Analyze DNC

As of last night, Hillary Clinton is officially the Democratic Candidate, so save for the ghoul of Bernie to run as a true Independent (unsure if that is happening or will do so after that email leak bizzo), it’s curtains for everyone else.

However! There are some things that truly do not age: popping the boot firmly up the posterior of Donald Trump. The woman who may succeed Hillary as POTUS, Lena Dunham, decided to continue this tradition with some rather top verbal bombs. Check it:

Right on, Lena.


Godzilla Returns to the Shores of Japan, Acts a Fool

Godzilla, a beast made invincible by our meddling with atomic chicanery, can do many things. Crush downtown Tokyo, fight a cockroach, kill Walter White. But there is one thing he cannot do.

Gojira, mighty as he was, failed to score against his latest and most despicable foe, a humanoid dolphin wearing a football strip. Godzilla’s lack of killer instinct in front of the goal has (probably) raised many questions in Japan. Primarily, has he finally come in peace? Or is he a ruse?




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