TBS News Desk

I Saw the News Today: Paralympic Funding Gone, China’s Quantum Leap, Depp Divorce Final

I Saw the News Today: The funding for the Paralympics was spent on renovations, China confused us all, and the Depp/Heard divorce was finalized.

 

Paralympics Funding Money Spent on Olympics, Awkward Fundraising Commences

Well, much like the first time that we get paid monthly, Brazil’s organizing committee has gone a bit cray with the funds and now have too much month at the end of their money. According to The Independent, the money that was supposed to be for the Paralympics was used on revamping the Olympic Village.

Coupled with this, the Organizing Committee are already late paying grants to athletes, which, according to the clenched fist rhetoric of Craig Spence (the spokesperson for the Paralympic Committee), is not good, and may see athletes miss out on the games entirely. Although, credit to those who spent the money as they are trying to secure a $79 million grant from the Brazilian Government to plug the hole. The government said “maybe” if the private consortium makes their taxation and financial records known. Classic loan red tape.

The last minute uncertain confusion is best summed thusly:

 

China Launches Quantum Satellite, Equally Stuns and Confuses World

Last evening, China launched the world’s first Quantum Satellite.

For those who are confused as to what a Quantum Satellite actually is (which is to say, all of us), well … as Run DMC mentioned in their ode to Quantum Physics … it’s tricky. Ostensibly, the Quantum Satellite was launched to measure a type of communication from space. That particular communication method is the tricky quantum cryptography, which, due to the nature of the beast, is a tricky thing to pull off on earth due to the obstacles in the way.

So, what did we learn, Palmer? Well, if the project is successful and the satellite can transmit back to earth, then, theoretically, we’re disco. The interesting thing is, though, is that there will be no method of transmission to track, it is merely a pair of photons communicating, which in layman’s (finally) means that it cannot be read by an outside party. Ergo, it cannot be hacked, tracked, recorded, manipulated, etc.

A secret channel in the truest sense. Vast congratulations to China who make us look bad seeing as we can’t figure out how to connect to the Interweb portal (*cough* NBN).

 

Depp/Heard Divorce Ruling Settles for $7 million; Writer Settles for Lazy Headline Pun

Well, it’s over. Over over. The Depp/Heard marriage will be a relationship that’ll be sadly remembered for all the wrong reasons. Be it jousting with Barnaby Joyce, dog smuggling, or (and most importantly) the hydra of domestic violence.

Buzzfeed obtained a joint statement from the pair; the bow on the unwanted gift of their relationship:

It just doesn’t look right. Anyhoo, some good may indeed come of the divorce as Amber Heard has decided to donate the proceeds of the divorce to a charitable institution to be named later.

 

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