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I Saw the News Today: Lochte Robbery Hoax, Naked Trump Erected, Ape Drops Jazz Single

Friday. Yay! Ryan Lochte’s robbery got stranger, Trump’s veiny erection was sighted, and a Sumatran orangutan went all Miles Davis.

 

Ryan Lochte Hold-Up Situation Gets Stranger, References Zoolander

Oh, that Ryan Lochte. Mid-week, last-week, whenever it was, we brought a blubbering Ry-ry to our collective bosom, patting his platinum blonde head in comfort, stating “naw” at the news that some bad boys had stolen his lunch money. Well, as it turns out, the tale that he told regarding the incident was tall and the pies were indeed made of pork.

According to, well, everybody, Ryan Lochte and his “squad” were deep into the after-school silly juice and, as the prophet Ludacris uttered, “Acted a fool.” As the Lochte Original went, he was minding his own business before being robbed by people he thought were impersonating police. Now, through the booze-infused peepers of Ryan, that might have been the case. But, as video shows, the “robber” was actually the security guard asking him to stop breaking things. Although, fair play to Lochte, as security guards do tend to impersonate police.

We at The Big Smoke have exclusively gleaned the footage from that particular Rio gas station, at great personal cost. You’re welcome.

 

Naked Trump Statue Erected in U.S., Trump Claims Air “Chilly”

Nah, he didn’t say that. But the anarcho-artists who placed the series of statues may well have. So, almost partial credit. Anyhoo, these homages to Trump’s dangly bits, entitled The Emperor Has No Balls, have cropped up on countless American corners, from Los Angeles to Seattle to New York. Ironically, the voters love it, which, considering Trump’s dipping approval rating and his propensity for left-field campaign strategies, doesn’t rule out Naked Trump taking the clothed version’s spot come November.

Incidentally, there are those who still have a problem with this Trump’s political stance:

 

Kluet the Sumatran Orangutan Releases First Single, Critics Call Animal Cruelty, Citing Unpopular Medium

To the great pantheon of unreasonably large, sweaty animalistic jazz tootlers, add the name Kluet. The Sumatran orangutan who currently resides in Adelaide decided to drop bars by ways of a snappy jazz release, daddy-o. Honestly, I’m a bit disappointed in whoever is responsible for this. Sadly, peak jazz rides the back of the dinosaur, which makes the problem two-fold.

1) How is Kluet going to make meaningful waves in the industry by ways of a medium that people have moved on from? His mangers, or “handlers,” should have followed the tried and tested route, by remixing a disco classic. #Tragedy.

2) I feel sad for Kluet, as he will surely now be reviled as “cool” in the eyes of the other primates, those who fling feces and know nothing of this jazz palaver. Moreover, if Kluet embraces the hype and thereby knows that he’s cool, what then?

Who wants to pay to see a smug Gorilla?

#PrayForKluet

 

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