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I Saw the News Today: Italy’s Earthquake, Earth-Like Planet Discovered, Hayne Is Jesus

Ooooh. It’s Thursday! What happened while you were asleep? An Earthquake ruined Italy, an Earth-like planet was discovered, and Jarryd Hayne came out—as Jesus.


Earth-Like Planet Moves in next Door, a Man Named Yuri Set to Welcome Them to the Neighborhood

Remember that scientific orgasm that surrounded the possibility of liquid water on Mars last year? Well, gird your loins, because it has got rather more interesting indeed. Those who wear orthopedic shoes have discovered a planet similar to our own circling our nearest star, Proxima Centauri. The planet, labelled “Proxima b,” shares two things that we on earth can identify:

1) Proxima b apparently wears the same rocky foundation as us.

2) It moves from a similar distance from heat, hence the possibility of liquid water.

According to those who French-kiss science, Proxima b has a minimum mass 1.3 times that of Earth and orbits at a distance of about 7.5 million kilometers from its parent star, taking 11.2 days to complete one revolution.

Hooray for that, we cheer, as we roll out the barrel. Well, they, whoever they are, better leave sharpish, because the commute is a bit … overbearing. Proxima b sits at around 40 trillion kilometers away. Certainly no two-bus, one-train commute; that relative distance plants Proxima b right about here:

Source: BBC

Now, I’ll admit that the chart doesn’t look very big; however, using current technology, it represents a voyage of a couple of thousand years. Sorry. Fortunately, a cashed-up loon in the classic swashbuckling style has a plan involving lasers. Yuri Milner, Russian billionaire, has staked many a ruble to see his plan come to life, which involves firing a spaceship through space through a “laser” thereby shortening the distance to Centauri to merely a couple of decades.

So, da, Yuri, please do that.


6.2 Magnitude Earthquake Shakes Perugia Awake, Twitter Records Makeover Photos

Sadly, the quivering hand of the earthquake violently abused the streets of Italy last night, claiming the lives of 120 people and counting. The epicenter of the quake hit Amatrice, leaving the historic town a mere memory, or in the cold words of the mayor:

Fortunately, this is to say, unfortunately, Twitter stepped up with some visceral imagery, showing the full extent of the damage.


Jarryd Hayne Labels Himself Jesus, Set to Erect Statue Hayne the Redeemer on Gold Coast Beach

Yes, really. Yesterday, everyone’s favorite part-time, multi-sportsman Jarryd Hayne dropped a bomb (not a pass) revealing that he was similar to Jesus, in response to his critics. Here at The Big Smoke, we believe that Hayne has his references mixed up: The Beatles’ famous claim that they were “bigger than Jesus” and as Eric Bana (whilst wearing the handlebar mustache of Mark “Chopper” Read) said best to Keithy George in Division H that, “Beethoven had his critics too, Keithy …”

If he is the second coming (which Hayne exhibited upon his return to the NRL in that He rose again), the question to Hayne is: why do you let bad things happen to good people? Moreover, why did you stand mute about your lineage while at Parramatta? If you failed to make it in the NFL, does that make it an atheist construct, sure to feel the wrath of Father?

Jarryd, I do believe your claims, because I believe all you need is a little faith.

Faith, faith, faith, faith, faith.






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