You’re one of the 53% of white women who voted for Trump and are now scrambling to get gifts in time for Christmas. Don’t worry! Here’s a helpful gift guide for you.
Why not buy this wonderful book from Christianbook.com for the young women in your life: Some Parts are not for Sharing. It will come in handy when rapey men—emboldened by seeing a sexual predator in the White House—try to grab your daughter’s or granddaughter’s “Some Parts.” Rest assured that, even though you’ve utterly failed the young women in your life by electing a sexual predator as the Leader of the Free World, you’ve given them a book to distinguish right from wrong.
In lieu of porn, why not buy that special guy friend of yours some Russian vodka, caviar, and this calendar. As you can see, it includes a shirtless Putin on a horse. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the mood you’ve created.
Since you’ve metaphorically done it by voting for Trump, why not buy yourself and the other women in your life a real knife with which to stab all women in the back? And just think! While freshly empowered American Nazis hurl racial epithets at people of color, you can stand back and watch, secure in the knowledge your pink-handled knife is ready in the event that your spray-on tan causes said insane Nazi person to spew vitriol at you.
When ObamaCare is dismantled and your best friend (who works three jobs, none with health insurance) has her Affordable Care Act benefits suddenly dissolved, slip her the phone number of your $350-per-hour astrologist (just so she knows what health issues to expect) and the URL for your favorite holistic medicine website (at least she’ll know how to self-treat). As an added bonus, buy her an essential oil diffuser. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Remind her that medical care is not a “right” but rather a privilege. And she is no longer privileged.)
Why not treat yourself during the holiday season? Rest easy knowing that your non-white coworkers won’t spit in that pint of half-and-half you keep in the break room fridge by emphasizing the fact that you are not a racist just because you voted for Trump. How? Buy a Black Lives Matter T-shirt! Wear it beneath your cashmere cardigan. When you venture into the break room, make sure that the cardigan is tied jauntily around your shoulders. Got a client meeting? Just pull that sweater back on! Voilà! Not a racist!
In anticipation of the 2017 holiday season when SCOTUS overturns Roe v. Wade and it becomes a felony to have an abortion, load up on cigarettes. Prisoners use them as currency and they might just make your daughter’s or granddaughter’s stay in the penitentiary bearable. And don’t forget that incidentals like tampons can be bought via a handy prison commissary account that can easily be connected to your checking account. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Buy your daughter’s boyfriend—the one who knocked her up—one of those cool tailgate grills. He’ll have a lot of time on his hands now that your daughter is out of his hair!)
For those of you who love to entertain, organize a surprise “Ancestry.com Dinner Party!” Buy each guest a subscription to Ancestry.com and, once dessert has been served, retire to your den where you can finally put to rest which of your friends has a person of color in their family tree. As an added bonus, friends who aren’t racially pure AND who have ancestors who immigrated to the United States will immediately be asked to leave. Once you are alone, sit in front of your fireplace drinking bourbon.