Fake News From the Desk of Ivanka

From the Desk of Ivanka: 19 Reasons Why Dad Couldn’t Make America Great Again at the G20

In her latest exclusive communiqué to The Big Smoke, Ivanka details the G20 wrap-up meeting she held with her Dad.


“Well, how do you think it all went?” I asked.

“It was an incredible experience for the other nineteen,” asserted Dad, “because they all benefited so much from listening to me.”

“Did you find it a friendly environment?” I asked.

“It was more about handshaking than getting close to people,” explained Dad, “more gripping than groping.”

“How did you feel you got on with Putin?” I asked with an unusual degree of interest.

“Famously,” asserted Dad, “we were finally able to celebrate together over the success of his campaign to get me elected President.”

“Does he expect anything in return?” I asked curiously.

“Well, I offered to pay for Edward Snowden’s board and lodging,” responded Dad, “but he said it was enough that Hillary didn’t become President and lead the world in a climate change crusade that would send temperatures in Siberia two degrees even lower by 2050.”

“Are you concerned that you were the only one at the G20 who didn’t endorse the Paris Climate Change Agreement?” I asked apprehensively.

“I’m much more concerned,” expostulated Dad, “that the other nineteen didn’t endorse the Trump Climate No-Change Agreement.”

“How did the G20 react to your idea to end the North Korea crisis by replacing Kim Jong-un with a caliphate?” I asked eagerly.

“They weren’t sure,” explained Dad, “whether the offer of a starring role as the villain in the next James Bond movie would be enough to tempt Kim to change jobs.”

“Aren’t you worried that a caliphate in North Korea could be an even bigger problem?” I asked pointedly.

“Well,” replied Dad thoughtfully, “I’d certainly have to add them to the list of countries on the banned list for Muslim refugees.”

“How did it go on the whole with Merkel?” I ventured.

“Well, the trouble is she’s not really my type,” replied Dad frankly, “she lectures me about the dangers of becoming isolationist without realizing that she’s one of the main causes of it.”

“Were you heartened by support for your idea to end the Israeli Palestinian crisis,” I inquired, “by establishing Palestine somewhere in Syria?”

“It got rather lost on the road to Damascus,” admitted Dad, “because the lame brains couldn’t understand that Syria is in such a mess that the introduction of Palestine somewhere or other could be an improvement.”

“What about Macron?” I asked enthusiastically.

“Nice young guy,” replied Dad, “I offered him a position as General Manager of a Trump Tower if his current gig doesn’t work out.”

“What’s your take on the EU and NATO?” I wondered.

“They’re so moribund,” declared Dad, “that if their arses were on fire the only thing they’d be concerned about would be the carbon emissions.”

“Will there be any difference in the way you approach the next G20 meeting?” I asked casually.

“I’ll either communicate with it by Twitter,” replied Dad decisively, “or persuade Malcolm Turnbull to turn up to it doing his famous impersonation of me.”


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