Fake News From the Desk of Ivanka

Ivanka: Nothing Could Be Father from the Truth

It’s been a rather divisive week in the Trump household, so we asked our resident snitch, Ivanka, to shed some light on proceedings.


Last week, Ivanka had lunch with her friend and confidante Marylou at a Georgetown bistro. Their conversation was of such quality and strategic significance that Ivanka recorded and transcribed it for this Big Smoke column.


“I understand everything is in total chaos at the White House,” remarked Marylou.

“That’s true,” I responded, “there’s been a big improvement since John Kelly took over as Chief of Staff.”

“Why is your dad surrounding himself with so many Generals?” asked Marylou.

“Because his policies are getting the same reaction as Maduro’s,” I replied, “… so he thought he should take similar precautions.”

“Are you totally consumed helping keep your dad’s finger on the pulse?” asked Marylou excitedly.

“No,” I assured her, “I’m engaged full time keeping it off the nuclear button.”

“I’m absolutely dying to know all the deep down and dirty details about mouth of the month Mooch.” announced Marylou breathlessly.

“The problem was,” I confided, “that firing Comey definitely affected Dad’s image as a caring and sharing sort of a guy. It even caused people to wonder whether he might be a control freak or perhaps even an egomaniac. So he hand-picked the Mooch to come in and pinch hit for him in the firing of Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus.”

“And then I suppose,” surmised Marylou, “he brought in John Kelly to pinch hit the Mooch out of the building. So who is he going to get to step up to the plate when it comes to firing John Kelly?”

“Well, he was going to appoint Arnie as Termination Secretary,” I revealed, “until I reminded Dad of our plan to keep him in reserve in case Hillary tried to make another comeback in 2020.”

“Do you think your dad is contemplating any further firings?” asked Marylou.

“Quite possibly,” I advised, “because he’s just installed a revolving door in the West Wing so he obviously has some Sessions in mind.”

“What do you think the future holds for The Mooch?” asked Marylou whimsically.

“I think he’s almost certain to be appointed the special prosecutor to investigate Robert Mueller,” I asserted, “either that or Dad will use him to scare the shit out of Kim Jong-un by threatening to send him to North Korea on a peace mission.”

“Does your dad,” inquired Marylou, “truly appreciate all the help he got from Putin to become President?”

“Oh sure,” I replied, “but now he’s desperate to prevent Robert Mueller appreciating it.”

“And does your dad,” asked Marylou mischievously, “ever listen to any advice you give him?”

“Absolutely,” I confirmed, “but only on things he doesn’t understand like self-criticism, anything west of the Pacific, healthcare, fifty shades of anything, the Republican Party, his sensitive side, the benefits of immigration, anything east of the Atlantic, why they can’t get his poll numbers right, why there’s all the fuss about just two extra degrees, and why it’s proving so difficult to contact the Leader of the Opposition in North Korea.”

“Do you give him any advice about Melania?” asked Marylou.

“Only to remind him to allow her out on day release,” I explained, “at least one day a week.”


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