TBS Learns To Love

British Newspaper Discovers Deadliest Dating App Known to Man

Have you ever wondered what the most dangerous dating app to use is? Yeah, us neither. Some pioneering mind already has though … the envelope, please.


I wonder. I wonder what kind of mind donates their finite energy to seek an answer to the question, What app is most likely to see you killed, raped, or worse? 

I’m also curious to wonder how many PhD applications are launched by, and later ruined by, the humble/hubristic dating app. Unfortunately, I only have an answer for the former and, fortunately, it’s sort of ironic, which takes the edge off. Sort of.

The Sun, Britain’s most British news publication are the authors of the aforesaid question who laboriously sifted a half decade of the most visceral of crime statistics and my heart goes out to those copy interns forming a graph from nearly 1,800 reported cases of murder, rape, blackmail, sexual assault, etc. Which, Jesus. When you pause to think about it, within that manila folder, kept by a paperclip, is it’s own horrible tableau, victim painted in the worst possible light of betrayed trust, bodies clearly marked with a roadmap, the minds forever remembering the way to the brutal emotional cul-de-sac they found their way into.


Anyway, it turns out it’s Plenty of Fish schooling the rest of the cohort, totaling a whopping 56% of all crimes reported, which is good news for the marketing department of the red-headed stepchild of dating applications, as surely someone uttered, or at least thought, Phwoar, you can’t buy that press. And why would you? Jesus.

Anyway, the podium places on the scumbag steeplechase are Tinder, followed by Grindr. Tony Neate the CEO of Get Safe Online (guess what they do), who warned users of the virtual reality of meeting strange liars you met on the internet in person before significantly salting the rim of that emotional margarita, states: “The risks are pretty much the same as in the real world,” he says. “For example, there’s always a threat that someone might try to burgle your house but that doesn’t mean you never leave it. Instead, you take precautions like having locks on your doors and putting in alarm systems.”

So, and this is just my deduction from his words, but ostensibly, you have two options: 1) Stay at home and eventually die alone or 2) get out and meet people and die quicker.

Fair enough.