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Five Dirty Secrets That Halloween Is Probably Not Proud Of

Halloween is here. However, as far as holidays go, it has many skeletons in many closets. So, in the interest of destroying it forever, we’re going to overshare on its behalf. Mwahahaha.


Happy Halloween! The most terrifying night of the year where ghoulish curio is hung on our doorsteps as we prepare ourselves for the horror of needless American consumerism, taking the form of diabetes, plastic skeletons, and, most gallingly, the instant sexualization of every female costume. Who would want to be Jeffrey Dahmer when you can be Sexy Jeffrey Dahmer?

However, this long-running non-sensical non-holiday has some secrets. And, unfortunately, its insecure enough to overshare after three drinks, so consider yourself prepared for mildly entertaining trivial tidbit underpinned by the doom cresting of a wheezing organ.




# 1 – It’s Actually Irish

Take that, countless ’90s Hollywood tack that used it as the fulcrum to justify their narrative, as those mirthful drunkards have long predated the chicanery of Hocus Pocus. Don’t fight it, as stereotype dictates they may fight you. The celt tradition known as Samhain is dangerously close to the much more fun Mexican equivalent. Celts believed the ghosts of the dead roamed Earth on this holiday, so peat farmers would dress in unfortunately slutty costumes and invade their neighbor’s space for treats. It makes complete sense that the Irish created the Jack-o’-lantern, because they love defacing vegetables and the craic. I wouldn’t be surprised if the original inventor of the Jack-o’-lantern was a man named Jack O’Lantern.

The tradition traveled to the United States (alongside Thyphus) by Christian missionaries, swiftly moving closer to the celebrations we celebrate today.


# 2 – Americans Are Doing It Wrong

In one unnamed U.S. town, which I’ll label as Buzzkillsburg and base the rest of my assumptions on the anti-Dance/pro-Jebus nabobs from Footloose fame. One Halloweenie night two hundred years ago, the local youths decided to disperse with the fortune-telling tradition (which was the style at the time) in favor of hurling vegetables at people’s houses. For the confused and spotty youth of today reading this sentence, consider it the 19th century equivalent of driving around the streets pumping that bloody doof music of yours: a fucking pointless endeavor.

Teen angst. You’re not special. Hormones are older than vampires, dingus.


# 3 – It’s Someone’s New Year

As the odd profile on Tinder suggests, Wicca is a religion that still exists today. According to those who practice it, which figures to be about 134,000 in this country, Halloween is celebrated as Wiccan New Year. That being said, in researching Wicca, I stumbled across this wonderful explanation from a retro-looking website that worryingly stated, “…It is not known how many Wiccans use the Internet, library books, or books borrowed from friends rather than purchase their own copy.”


Although, how many public libraries have a section of pagan codexes readily available for borrowing?

Oh, hello Obsidian, just these three skin-covered ancient texts? Yeah, New Years is coming up.


# 4 – It’s a Conspiracy, Man

According to some corners of the Internet, the creation of the holiday is wrapped in the loud plastic of a notable conspiracy. It seems that the candy industry was the second shooter who pulled the trigger on Kennedy. Hang on, I’ve got multiple windows open. A no less stupid, but somewhat more legitimate theory is that Halloween became sentient and teamed up with the candy industry to manipulate time.

Apparently back in 1985, they put candy pumpkins on the seat of every senator in an effort to extending daylight savings time, according to NPR. Just like every great conspiracy in history, those responsible, the candy industry, disputes this account, according to The New York Times.

That being said, and applying the standard Sutherland rule, in all conspiracies, we must look to those who profit from it. According to History.com, Americans spend an estimated $6 billion on Halloween annually, including candy, costumes, and decorations.

We’re through the looking glass here, people.


# 5 – Trick-Or-Treating Was Brought Back from the Dead by Charles Schultz

An unheralded victim of WWII, Halloween slipped into a comatose state when sugar was rationed for the duration. After the rationing ended in 1947, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, and Peanuts helped to re-popularize the tradition. By the time the next war rolled around, trick-or-treating was hugely popular again.

I feel further blame must be attached to the Soviet Union for not loosing their nuclear payload and finishing off the holiday for good. That being said, I’ll just naturally assume that in the blown out, decimated landscapes that could have been, the surviving handfuls of survivors would continue to partake in the popular retro fancy.

Will we never be free?

Happy Halloweenie!




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