Fake News

Trumping a Christmas Carol

It’s Christmas night at the White House and all is seemingly not well. The President is having a time-traveling crisis of confidence. But will it change his tune?


It was Christmas night at the White House and all was calm and bright in readiness for Santa’s visit.

President Scrooge slept soundly secure in the knowledge that his tax cuts were merely a prelude to other seasonal gifts like obliterating Obamacare, building the wall, and terminating terrorist threats caused by immigration.

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light in Scrooge’s bedroom and he awoke to find the Pope standing at the foot of his bed.

“I am the Ghost of Christmases Past,” announced His Holiness.

“But you can’t be,” claimed Scrooge, “because you haven’t croaked it yet.”

“That’s true,” agreed HH, “but I am intensely spiritual. I have come to urge you to cast aside your wanton ways and embrace the true spirit of Christmas.”

“Bah humbug,” shouted Scrooge. “Not a chance.”

Without further ado, the Pope grabbed Scrooge by the arm and propelled him to a place where he could witness the Scrooge family household in Queens back in Christmas 1953. There was young Donald aged seven playing joyfully with his Christmas gifts, playing Kiss and Don’t Tell with the girls, and shrieking with delight when the Hispanic kids came in from next door.

“As U.S. President,” the Pope explained, “it is your duty to recapture the spirit of Christmas you embraced as a child and ensure it lives on among the American people.”

“I’m putting America First,” Scrooge reminded him, “so I’ve cast aside all that mindless maudlin mush.”

“Heed well my words, Scrooge,” advised the Pope, “because unless you mend your misbegotten ways a terrible fate will befall both you and America.”

“Bah humbug,” opined Scrooge.

Not ten minutes later another blinding flash of light signaled the arrival of Robert Mueller.

“I am the Ghost of Christmases Present,” announced Robert.

“Well, you may not be dead,” responded Scrooge, “but you’re certainly a dead duck.”

Robert immediately whisked Scrooge off to a place where he could watch the inside of the Kremlin in real Christmas time.

There was no sign whatsoever of Christmas but rather Putin plotting with his advisers to arrange Scrooge’s impeachment and replace him with a sleeper agent who looked just like Mike Pence.

Scrooge was visibly shaken but quickly regained his composure.

“That was fake news,” he declared. “Putin would never do the dirty on me, especially at Christmas.”

“Putin would sell his grandmother into sexual slavery,” explained Robert, “if he could prove you were the guy who purchased her. And that’s nothing to the dirt I’m going to put on you if you don’t adopt the true spirit of Christmas in the way you run this country.”

“Bah humbug,” shouted Scrooge as Robert exited stage left.

Not five minutes later a Hollywood-style light show announced the arrival of Harvey Weinstein.

“I am the Ghost of Christmases Future,” announced Harvey.

“Well that’s encouraging,” said Scrooge warmly, “because I didn’t think you had a ghost of a chance of having any sort of future.”

“I can’t go back to any of my old haunts in Hollywood,” wailed Harvey, “but I’m still there in spirit.”

“What’s that thing around your ankle?” asked Scrooge.

“I’m out on day release,” explained Harvey, “so it sends a signal to the FBI if I abscond and also emits a warning to any woman who comes within ten yards.”

“Don’t tell me,” commented Scrooge, “that you of all people have come to lecture me about changing my wicked ways and projecting seasonal goodwill to all men.”

“I have come to save you from the same Christmas fate that has befallen me,” announced Harvey, and with that he led Scrooge to a place where he could witness Christmas scenes from the future.

There was Melania buying Christmas fare with food stamps and Ivanka Scrooge being prosecuted by the Climate Change Court for unauthorized use of electricity for Christmas Lights.

“Oh no,” groaned Scrooge. “And what’s that I can see Brad Pitt doing?”

“He’s filling in an application form,” explained Harvey, “to send to the Department of Feminism for permission to sleep with his new girlfriend.”

“And who’s the guy eating Christmas lunch with you in the slammer?” asked Scrooge.

“That’s you,” confirmed Harvey.

“Enough,” cried Scrooge. “I’ll immediately endorse the Paris Accord, establish Sanctuary Cities for members of the Republican Party, throw a cocktail party for all Middle East immigrants on arrival, pardon Robert Mueller and Hillary for their crimes against me, and introduce Scroogecare which guarantees protection from sexual harassment at Office Christmas Parties.”

And so it came about that the true Christmas Spirit prevailed once more right across the land and Scrooge became head of the UN Organization for the Sustainability of Christmas.

“A Merry Christmas to us all,” said Tiny Tim. “God bless us, every one.”


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