Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale Almost Read Fire and Fury, Reviewed It Anyway

Paris Portingale saves you a bunch of time by summarizing what he heard his friends say about the important bits in Fire and Fury. You’re welcome.


There was a time, back when movies were in black and white, where if the American president was depicted on the screen he was only seen from behind. Such was the respect for the man and the office.

Today, after just one year in office, Don Trump has turned the U.S. presidency into a state of farce and disrespect from which it may never recover. It’s almost as though I’d somehow been the president for the past twelve months. Imagine that.

America: “Mr. Portingale, you have brought this previously great nation to its knees, you stupid, stupid idiot. You have single-handedly turned the office of president into a joke, nothing more than a burlesque absurdity.”

Me: “A what now?”

America: “Oh God, what have we done.”

Anyway, it’s all in the book. D Trump’s book, The Power and the Glory. I’ve not actually seen it, but I know all about it. A number of very important and intelligent people whom I happen to know personally have seen it, so it’s like an open misère and a slam dunk home run for me on that one, no worries about that.

Anyway, it’s all about D Trump from when he first became the president through to the present day, which will possibly vary depending on when you’re reading this, but I think if we take it as today, we’d be pretty close to the mark on that one.

It starts out just before he’s president and he’s touring around America in a bus. It’s called “The Trump Bus” because it’s written on the side, and he’s telling everyone that if they want to see like a major kick-arse wall built around America so foreigners won’t be able to get in, then they’d better vote for him or everyone’s going to be raped in their bed before breakfast by Mexicans. And some Arabs. And Jews, I think. Anyone who’s not American, except maybe some people from Normay, which I think is a city in Alaska somewhere, or maybe New Jersey. Anyway, it’s in the book.

After that he becomes president because, let’s face it, nobody wants to be raped by Mexicans. Such was the power of his oratory that I was going to vote for him myself until it was brought to my attention that I lived in Australia and couldn’t vote for him, no matter how great my fear of waking up just before breakfast with half a dozen heavy breathing Mexicans in my bed, touching parts which hitherto had been seen only by my proctologist, and once by James Fieldman which was back in primary school and doesn’t count.


Now D Trump is president and is in charge of the country and everything, and everyone has to do whatever he says no matter how stupid it might seem or may in fact actually be …


Now D Trump is president and is in charge of the country and everything, and everyone has to do whatever he says no matter how stupid it might seem or may in fact actually be, he starts changing things around to be the way he wants them to be. Nothing’s out of play, everything’s fair game because it’s his country now and nobody’s going to tell him how to do things because it’s enshrined in the Constitution and, I can tell you this, start fucking around with the Constitution of the United States of America, you’re going to be in more trouble than you could poke a stick at over a month of long weekends.

So, he’s in the Round Room or the White Room or whatever it is and he’s changing stuff. No particular order except it’s everything the guy before him did. This is because, among many, many reasons, the man was on the wrong side of politics and was black and probably had a Mexican birth certificate if he had one at all, so he shouldn’t have been in the country in the first place and certainly not living in the Holy Round White Room which is mentioned more than once in the Constitution, goddamnit.

So now, which is the “today” I mentioned earlier, instead of everyone having health cover, no one has health cover, and wealth distribution is back to the system of the trickle-down effect which is where, instead of people directly getting money, it’s first given to the people with all the money and then it gradually trickles down, unlike in some less enlightened countries where the ordinary people get the money first and it then, presumably, it trickles up to the wealthy, if it trickles at all because in a lot of those countries they’ve never heard of trickling because they’re stupid shitholes.

There’s other stuff, but that’s the gist of the thing, so now you’re pretty much up to date and I’d like to take the opportunity to wish each and every one of you the happiest of happy New Years and a 2018 that carries with it only the good and positive of 2017 and not, you know, some of the other stuff, which quite honestly should really be forgotten, or swept under something like the carpet.

Thank you.


Paris Portingale

Paris Portingale is a writer and dog owner. While having a somewhat indifferent attitude towards abstemious self-restraint, he does follow the safe guidelines of four standard drinks a day, although his standards are a great deal higher than most, certainly the medical profession’s. Paris is visited often in the night by God, and the meetings are anything but pleasant.

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