Leo Daedalus, tongue planted firmly in cheek, offers up the Top Ten reasons not to vote in this year’s elections.
The U.S. midterm elections are just around the corner. This is a decisive moment in American history. So, VOTE.
And I don’t care how you vote, just get the heck out there and vote. It’s important for democracy. If you don’t vote, the system doesn’t work. Similarly, I don’t care which side you enlist in, just get the heck out there and shoot. It’s important for the warring. If you don’t take out the enemy, any enemy, the system doesn’t work.
It’s like I was just saying to my recently divorced neighbor, Todd. He hasn’t left his sofa in five weeks. (Thank you, Grubhub! And ExtendaLoo.) I said, “Todd, man, I don’t care how you do it, but you gotta just get the heck out there and meet people. It makes no difference to me whether you join OkCupid or drive a dented white van around the neighborhood. The only thing that matters is that you’re out there meeting women, getting some exercise, and maybe keeping your mind active with evidence-related problem solving. Far be it from me to impose my personal views, let alone presumptuously contend that the substance of your choices in society matters. eHarmony or bone saw play, all that matters is that you make a choice. If you don’t, the system doesn’t work. So, you do you, man. Just as long as you participate.”
That said, there are a few legitimate reasons not to vote. Here are the Top Ten.
- You’re a Nazi MAGA Fuck
Here’s the thing. I know I said I don’t care how you vote. But as a handsomely paid liberal protester, I only say that not to piss off my liberal friends. Truth is, if you’re a certified Nazi MAGA Fuck who’s going to use the ballot box as an IED for your racist, misogynist, homophobic, anti-semitic, Islamophobic, anti-science, anti-reproductive rights, climate-denying, gerrymandering, tiki-fellating, Pizzagating, running-out-of-words-to-describe-your-ignorant-hellish-cesspool-of-a-worldview bullshit—then no, I really, really, passionately do not want you to “participate.” Stay home. Floss your tooth. The election’s on a Tuesday. Isn’t that traditionally rape night for you stools?
- Your Toddler Just Shot You in the Face
Owie! Did mommy/daddy/longtime abductor get a boo-boo? Gosh, kids shoot the darnedest things! Do you think it might be your vengeful God standing His ground and punishing you for your willful statistical illiteracy and society-corroding paranoia? It’s an imbecilic idea, which is why I ask. But hey, kids learn by trial and error. How else will little Mullet Sessions, Jr. develop the necessary facility with an AR-15 to take out those trans Jew-hadis when they come for the preschool? “Out of the loaded assault rifles of babes,” like your momma used to say before she died cleaning her 3.5in M20A1B1 rocket launcher at the tender age of 17-½. So yeah, stay home. Apply hot thoughts and prayers to the wound. Because you and civil society go together like oil and water, or, in your parlance, like cause and effect.
- You Think Jesus Looked Like Fabio
News for you, kid: if he was hot, yer boy looked like Jeff Goldblum. More likely he looked like a young Buddy Hackett. And he spoke freaking Aramaic! Look into it. There’s a good book all about it, except it’s in Koine Greek which I’m guessing is not one of your 0.8 languages. Let’s be crystal clear: this isn’t me dissing your religion, or anyone else’s, or any of my thoughtful Christian, Muslim, Candomblé, or Zoroastrian friends. What I’m dissing is that unfathomably ignorant, bigoted, framed velvet painting of blue-eyed honky-Jesus next to your 98” TV. If you ran into actual Jesus on the street today, you’d be thinking less ABBA and more Isis. You’d call him in. Which is a shame because he’s a stand-up guy. A real מענטש. The only Jew to get past Torquemada. Just waved him through. “Oh it’s you, sir. Perdón. Trick of the light, flickering torches and all. Have a nice evening. Love the hair!” So yeah, do us both a favor and spend Election Day brushing up on the basics of your cosmology and leave the electoral not-fucking-everything-up to the adults. (Also, read up on Fabio. Did you know he collided with a goose on a roller coaster in ’99? Seriously. Poor goose.)
- You’re a Foreigner
Well, la-di-da. Look who’s possibly living in a less retrograde society. Go roll around in your universal health care or whatever. Unless that’s not you, and you’re living in abject squalor, possibly assembling my next iPhone. In which case, I don’t know … I’m sorry … ugh. Not feeling the jokes. Unless, maybe something about picking up masonry skills so you can get day work mortaring the wall? (South side only.) Anyway, America’s working hard on catching up with your standard of living. We’ve already got you beat on incarceration, wherever you are. Yay.
- You’re a Child
Hey, it happens to the best of us, kid. I’d tell you to hang in there and look forward to whatever future election you’ll be old enough to vote in, but yeah, hate to break it to you but this is probably the last one. Sorry! Also, I ate the last of your social security and polar ice. Ugh! So bad!
- You’re a Felon
What are you in for? Possession While Not Being Caucasian? Or just the straight-up Not Being Caucasian? Damn. Yeah. You might want to get Caucasian as soon as you can. And you know, spend the money on the heterosexual male variety. The other kinds, ehh, they don’t help quite as much as you’d hope. Pro tip: splurge for like a West Coast accent.
- You’re a Grotesque Sociopathic Mountebank Mentally Arrested at the Age of Two
Yeah, fuggetaboutit, voting’s a whole pain in the ass, Mr. President. All that fiddly detaching of chads or whatever they do. Who needs it? Anyway, why participate in a system you’re actively chopping for parts? That’s like, I don’t know, grabbing the question-mark genitals of some nonbinary unperson. What’s even the point? Stay in. Polish that gold toilet seat.
- You’ve Been Abducted by Aliens
Yeah, wow, okay. Take the week off.
- You Literally Do Not Exist
Then WTF are you doing wasting my time??? Jesus Rosenchrist.
- Your Holier-Than-Thou Lefty-Purist Ego Is Too Fragile
For fuck’s sake, are you seriously too fucking precious to get that this is war, and that in the atrocious, heinous, pernicious one-and-a-half-party, corporate-lapdog, zombie-capitalist, necro-globalist, systemically racist, misogynist, fucking-everythingist bullshit fuckfest of an osteoporotic so-called democratic so-called system we’re fucking enmeshed in—that, no, OUR ONLY TWO NAME-BRAND POLITICAL CHOICES ARE NOT FUCKING IDENTICAL?????? Seriously. SERIOUSLY.
You made me spend MY LAST SIX FUCKING QUESTION MARKS on that last outburst, not to mention my entire year’s supply of caps. Jesus Moishe Christenstein.
Look, you’re on the left. We’re the ones who are supposed to still be fact-friendly. And the fact—the simple, evidence-based fact—is that if more Americans voted, shit would be less Nazi MAGA fuckmonstrous. It would still suck, my Rosa Luxemburg, but it would suck measurably less. It would be the difference between getting daily punched in the face, and getting nonstop ass-violated with a hot, salty, tetanus-encrusted Garden Weasel®. I don’t want to be punched in the face every day. I don’t like it any more than you do. But I really don’t like the Garden Weasel® thing. And neither do you. In fact, most of my friends have even more to hate about WeaselWorld® than I do, since I look like the poster boy for the patriarchy. (Don’t tell them I’m half a Jew. I need the poster money for my fifth-column expenses.)
You get it, right? (Oh look, another question mark.) Tell me you get it. People much smarter and politically savvier than I are identifying these 2018 midterm elections as especially terrifyingly pivotal. And here are the choices:
(A) Everybody votes the fuck out of this thing, and we have a fighting chance at defanging the Weasel© and clawing our way out of the septic tank a millimeter at a time.
(B) You don’t even want me to bring my deranged imaginative force to bear on what option B looks like. Just, trust me on this.
By now you’re thinking, hey, this guy has totally abandoned his rabid, tough-on-the-outside-crying-on-the-inside snarkpile of a premise for this article, or whatever it is. (Wishful thinking. I’m sure you bailed paragraphs ago.)
All I’ve got is this puny, pathetic plea. In the sweet name of Jesus Rabinowitz-Finkelchrist: vote! Sully your hands! This is war, my friend. I know it sucks harrrrd. But there are degrees of suck. Really there are. And it’s not about you. Or me. Or our delicate, understandable narcissism as principled, caring people. It’s about (1) please just get the heck out there and vote, and (2) don’t blow your vote on righteous ideological egotism. You get two choices: Axis or Allies. Don’t sell out Anne Frank because, well, nice Jewish girl but dang, she’s not a vegan, so … yeah, right up there, Herr Gartenwiesel.
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. No more jokes today.
Well, maybe one more … Ralph Nader and Jill Stein walk into a bar …