Douglas Ross

Recent Study Validates Whatever You Want to Believe

(Photo by Adrianna Van Groningen on Unsplash)

A new study released by our resident expert in studies, Douglas Ross, has found that 25% of all studies support everything you believe. Everything.


Not a morning person? You should be. Try getting up from alternating sides of the bed each morning. Studies have shown this has a marked effect on the mind’s ability to absorb new information based on how you get out of bed.

An introvert? Studies have shown you’ll be less successful in your career. Sorry.

Extrovert? You’ll be less happy at home. Same study. Sorry.

Shower in the morning? Don’t. Studies have shown a marked effect on your metabolic rate, shaving ten years off your life expectancy.

Actually, a new study has shown a cold shower in the morning is fine. Freezing cold water. No, wait, a study from the university has revealed that switching from hot water to cold water at least five times during a shower opens up your capillaries and allows healthy blood flow and will help you be a better person.

Do one good deed after your hot/cold shower, but make sure you have had a banana by this point.

Be a better person. Two separate studies have discovered the correlation between being a better person and being a better person. Be better. The person you better be better be a better person. Be it.

Have you had any water yet? It’s already late; you should have had 17 ounces of water. If you haven’t, it’s too late. Studies have shown that if you haven’t had at least 17 ounces of water by now, then you’re either dead or better off forgetting about the water and focusing on how to be a better person.

Eat nuts, but don’t over-indulge. Life expectancy.

Are you busy? You need to be busy. Studies reveal that you need to be busy and you need to tell people you’re busy. Busy. Organize a power lunch with five of your friends and tell them all at once how busy you are.

Walk and ride to work. At the same time. If you take the train, don’t sit down, but walk the entire time, traveling the equivalent distance within the carriage. A pedometer can assist you.

Do you have a pedometer? Don’t buy one. Studies have shown they are inaccurate.

When you get to work always look like you’re at work. Sweat and frown. Keep conversations efficient, but make sure you love what you do because then it won’t be work, right? Studies have shown.

Take five minutes out of your schedule, only five minutes, and focus on one achievable goal for the day. Think about it hard enough and it will come true. Do this every ten minutes. Studies, etc.

Read a book. Speed-read it; you may not absorb anything from the book, or even enjoy it, but you don’t have time to read a book.

Your abs should be tense right now. Studies have shown that certain indigenous cultures have better posture and less back trouble than you do. In fact, they have no back trouble, and are happy. You’re not happy. So, tense your abs right now and keep them tense.

Relax—it’s not hard. Everyone else is doing it. Relax. Studies have shown exercise, a balanced diet, etc. Yoga, am I right? Relax. Try it. It relaxes you. Open yourself up and relax.

TED Talks are great too. Studies have shown watching one TED Talk per day will dramatically reduce the amount of time you have in your day by at least 20 minutes.

Wait! Shit. Vegetables! Eat vegetables. Studies have shown vegetables.


Douglas Ross

Doug Ross is an editor, writer, and musician. Born in Queensland, his existence in Melbourne has always been overshadowed by a nagging desire to live closer to the beach. All donations to this cause will be welcome, but grossly misappropriated for use on more Melbournian pursuits. You can find him either at the pub, on his laptop, or somewhere on a stage—trying hard to not get electrocuted by his amplifier.

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