The organizer pulled out, the Air Force told attendees not to come to Area 51, but on this day, goddamn it, they made it. Well, one at least.
According to the will of the internet, one million people were set to invade Area 51 in order to “see them aliens.” The nadir of our nonsense was scheduled for yesterday, September 20th, a creature birthed by Facebook with an event titled “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us.”
Whether memes provide any protection against machine-gun fire is only one of the mysterious questions sought to be answered:
“We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry,” reads a brief description of the event, authored by Matty Roberts. “If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets.”
The so-called “Naturo run” is fashioned after the anime character Naruto Uzumaki, who can purportedly run faster than the average fellow, due to his head-forward, arms-behind-the-back running technique. The technique, of course, is bullplop – but the tableau of dorks going against the wire, face first, is a spectacle fitting of the times we find ourselves in.
In conversation with The Washington Post, Air Force spokeswoman Laura McAndrews noted that they were aware of the event, but advised against following through. For the boldest, McAndrews said that the area “is an open training range for the US Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces … the US Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets.”
The problem, I believe, is the mystery involved. It hasn’t helped that Americans were told that the base didn’t exist until 2013. The CIA confirmed such via a report, but neglected to mention that the base also held evidence of extraterrestrial shenanigans. Area 51 has long been part of the zeitgeist, in film, television, and video games, with the latter allowing one to escape the facility as an alien named Elvis.
We just need to know, man. The facility, according to the CIA report, strictly participates in aircraft test flights, hence all the weirdness. Myth busted? Well, yes, if you happen to ignore the Pentagon confirming the existence of a $22 million government program to analyze “anomalous aerospace threats” in 2017. Fucking UFOs, mannnn.
As it stands, the entry to the site is guarded by a series of tin signs advising against your continued motion. Per The Washington Post, “In 2014, a tour bus carting four passengers near Area 51 inadvertently drove through the warning signs and entered the base, Las Vegas Now reported. The truck was stopped by men in ‘military garb,’ and everyone in the vehicle was threatened with a misdemeanor conviction and $650 fine.”
Frankly, I’m all for post-massacre disappointment, and a bloodbath enabled by shitposting, but considering the machinations of internet resistance started with the death of a Gorilla (and the birth of a meme) in 2016, perhaps it’s best that we leave the truth out there.
Meme Come to Life
Yesterday, “Alienstock” was supposed to be the meme event of 2019, a chance to bum rush Area 51, in order to “see them aliens.” The only qualifier? One must run towards barbed wire in an anime fashion in order to outrun the machine guns. If fingers of blame are to be pointed, one must finger the original organizer, Matty Roberts, who created the Facebook event. He has since withdrawn from the event, citing numerous issues (including the difficulty of obtaining insurance for a massacre) before promising to hold a music event in Los Angeles instead.
But, it’s not all doom and/or gloom, as it seems that the advanced Naruto runners have made it to Nevada, as one learned individual was caught on camera doing the infamous jog.
The sight of a meme coming to life (if only for a moment) has emboldened the dorks of the internet, who took to comment boxes to reflap their wings of hope, labeling this moment as their “favorite massacre ever” and hoping that this “brave ninja” will “come back alive.”