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Biden Shocks on Super Tuesday As Sanders Feels the Burn

(Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash)

In a case of déjà vu, Bernie Sanders has been trumped on Super Tuesday by a party favorite that has no platform, or vision. Yay, America!

 

“Tonight we find out if we’ll spend the rest of the year talking about Medicare-For-All or Ukraine,” noted Twitter person Ken Klippenstein said. Sadly, we’ve since got the answer to Ken’s query. It’s probably the latter.

For all intents and purposes, this Tuesday belonged to Biden. A man defined by an internet pundit as someone “who can’t finish the majority of his sentences, forgot what day Super Tuesday is on, keeps making up obvious, provable lies, and is incapable of not being creepy towards little girls on camera, but cool.”

 

 

The subtext of Biden’s Declaration of Incompetence is that he may just be the perfect foil to Donald Trump. If we’re willing to finally skewer the white whale of political credibility, Bernie will be marginalized as a socialist by Buckshot, USA, but the choice between confused old man spouting dad jokes and a confused old man spouting racist epithets is seemingly a safer bet.

Sanders secured California, and the many delegates it holds, but Biden has swept the states in the popular vote by a measure of 10-4. Regarding the all-important delegates (which is favored over the popular vote, because America), Biden leads Bernie by 548-484 with 771 to be handed out. Importantly, Bernie won California, and the 415 delegates it possesses.

Which makes one exit poll rather puzzling. According to FiveThirtyEight.com, Biden outscores Bernie over who voters believe will beat Trump 37%-24%, but Bernie has more relatable views of the same voters by a score of 44%-25%.

Whoever gets the nod, they’re up against this. This is a real survey put out by the real Donald Trump.

 

 

However, it wasn’t all doom and gloom, as the pitiful performance of billionaire meme-merchant Mike Bloomberg will probably see the end of his “Richer Trump” push. Bloomberg did carry American Samoa, who seemingly care for the overtures of a billionaire (which is odd, considering 90% of the land is communally owned), and voted on the basis of aspiration. Odd side note, American Samoa sees the highest rate of military enlistment in any state or country America owns. It’s like a teeny-tiny pacific Alabama. It’s worth noting that the real Alabama voted for Joe Biden.

 

 

So, while there’s more voting to come, and, probably, more fuckery yet to visit our feeds, today belongs not to Joe Biden, but to the American system of government, which, despite viewing itself as the shining city upon a hill whose beacon light guides freedom-loving people everywhere, is closer to the fluorescent blue light that partially illuminates a train station bathroom.

 

 

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