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Coronavirus Forces Tom Hanks to Endure Australia’s Gold Coast

So far, the coronavirus has been handled relatively sensibly. However, the pandemic has now turned Tom Hanks into a Toolie and forbade any travel to Europe. Fun fun.


March 12, 2020. The day the coronavirus got personal. So far, COVID-19 has walked at a distance. The elderly of the streets of Milan, the hospital wards of Wuhan, those in supermarket aisles with an arm-full of toilet paper.

But today, it stepped closer, bringing many different shades of nonsense. The NBA season was suspended after professional tall person Rudy Gobert contracted the virus. Incidentally, Gobert is colloquially known as “The Stifle Tower,” owing to his Frenchness and tallness. But the light that went on above Rudy’s head has illuminated the nonsense elsewhere. Tom Hanks, the paternal figure of America, has also contracted the virus. What’s worse is that he’s managed to do so in Gold Coast, Queensland, whilst filming a project about Elvis.



Tom (and wife Rita Wilson) are now subject to quarantine, leaving them to experience the lounge room/kitchenette of the Gold Coast accommodation they’re now contained in.

Now, anyone who has visited the “Goldie,” especially during certain hours, will already know that it is a Petri dish of violent disease, but surely the coronavirus didn’t have to do him like this. I realize that quarantine is quarantine, but a vista overlooking Jupiter’s Casino and a fistfight over a kebab is something that no one should be asked to endure, let alone Mr. Hanks.

At least he still has Twitter.



To add further nonsense to insulting injury, America’s other Dad, Donald Trump, has suspended travel to Europe for 30 days, not too long after citing everything was fine.

“To keep new cases from entering our shores, we will be suspending all travel from Europe,” Mr. Trump said from the Oval Office on Wednesday. “The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight.”

Elsewhere, the Irish of New York will see the imaginary chips on their shoulders grow a size, as the city made the decision to cancel the St. Patrick’s Day parade. It will be the first time since 1762 that the day wasn’t celebrated with green ale and claret on the pavement.

Can we all just calm down, please?


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