In Sean Davis’s latest Dispatches From the Apocalypse, “Horse Dewormer & Robot Overlords,” Davis documents the latest news, from Kardashians to ivermectin.
“The good Earth—we could have saved it, but we were too damn cheap and lazy.”
Hello. My name is Sean Davis, and this is my second dispatch from the Apocalypse. Human civilization ended a while back, and even though I see a few other people finally realizing it, on the whole, most people can’t be bothered with the end of the world because there’s so much to be distracted by.
The Kardashians are entering the final season of their reality show (who needs a hero with a thousand faces when you can have a dozen heroes with the same face?). We have to know how ScarJo’s lawsuit against Mickey Mouse ends up; the poor woman felt robbed because she only got 20 million dollars to play pretend (and maybe she’s right, studio execs are historically the worst human beings). And we all want to know what the next big music hit is going to be (lubricated genitalia are the rage right now).
I hope you’re not an alien archeologist. This would be so embarrassing.
Honestly, thinking about it, I believe I’m actually writing to our new robot overlords. Just a few days ago I watched Elon Musk’s big Tesla Robot reveal. In the video, he assured everyone that you will be friendly, easily overpowered, and he even joked that people would be able to outrun you without any problem. He said with confidence that you would only be doing the most boring, repetitive, and difficult tasks so humans won’t have to do them anymore. He spoke about the future and how his robots will change the economy and the world without any irony.
This is weird since, in 2014, he spoke at length on CNBC’s Closing Bell about the dangers of artificial intelligence and how it could easily destroy humanity. And just four years ago he’s on video saying, “Robots will be able to do everything better than us. I have exposure to the most cutting-edge AI, and I think people should be really concerned by it.”
Did you guys get to him? Is he a robotic doppelgänger now?
I can’t blame you for taking over the world, robot overlords. I mean, half the people who watch Fox News are buying veterinarian clinics and livestock supply centers out of horse heartworm medicine because Sean Hannity and other Fox News hosts told them it might cure COVID. Okay, I know how it sounds, but we do have a significant portion of our population who would rather get sick with COVID while injecting horse heartworm medicine instead of admitting they’re wrong because the people they look up to have politicized a pandemic.
A significant portion of our population would rather get sick with COVID while injecting horse heartworm medicine instead of admitting they’re wrong because the people they look up to have politicized a pandemic.
In Oregon, my home state, The Oregon Health and Science University officials warn that “ivermectin can cause nausea, low blood pressure, hives, and seizures. And misusing it can be fatal.” They go on to say (as if it isn’t obvious), “Taking medications intended for animals is especially unsafe because they’re more concentrated and contain other ingredients that aren’t safe for humans.”
Meanwhile, there is a free life-saving vaccine available to them within walking distance of any of their houses. The FDA, the NIH, the WHO, and even the company that makes the drug says it is a bad idea to take the horse dewormer for COVID, but Trump spent four years telling these same people not to believe anyone but him and Fox News (which itself is an oxymoron).
This sounds horrible, but don’t let these things ruin how you see humanity. We did some great things in the time we had. Star Wars was good. Well, maybe not the Prequels. Shit, and not the new trilogy either (although Adam Driver is a national treasure). Louis Prima is a delight; listen to his music. William Blake’s poetry is mad and beautiful; read the “Auguries of Innocence.”
The point is, we tried. We’re still trying.
Today we’re taking one of our major failures, obesity, and we’re using it to feed the hungry. We have successfully added a human fat gene to potatoes to make them grow giant so we use the same resources to grow double or triple the food. Yes, obese potatoes. You see, we don’t have the resources to grow enough food to feed all our people, so these scientists from the University of Illinois, China, and the UK, are trying to grow larger food with the resources we have.
We need the food because, even today, 9,000,000 people die of starvation every year, and 822,000,000 people suffer from undernourishment. Right now, at this point in our history, even with Alexa, self-driving cars, and penis-shaped rockets shot into the lower atmosphere, a child dies of hunger every ten seconds. We just haven’t found a way to make looking after our most vulnerable people profitable. We haven’t been able to figure out how to make money while saving the world.
I know it may not make sense to you, but the end of the world has been a money-making machine for the top 1% of our wealthiest humans. So today, while climate change has us on the brink of extinction and the global pandemic continues to break records of infected people every day and extreme weather like floods and fires destroy entire towns, 2021 has seen the creation of 660 new billionaires bringing our total up to 2,755 billionaires on this planet, right now, as I write this dispatch. Their net worth is 13.1 trillion dollars.
So, I’ll just add to what Vonnegut said in the beginning: we could have saved the world, but we felt we had an obligation to our shareholders …
I’m sure, with your incredible intelligence, these dispatches appear to you like those squiggles and spots on the Chauvet Cave appear to us, but just in case you can lower yourself or yourselves (I don’t know if you will be a single hive-mind collective or individuals), I’ll keep going with these dispatches. I feel someone needs to objectively record the decline of the Human race.