In Sean Davis’s latest Dispatches From the Apocalypse, “Infiltrating the Grand Old Party,” Davis undergoes Conservative Conversion in order to enter the GOP fray. 

“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.” —Ronald Reagan

For the last seven months, I’ve used these dispatches to document this rare historic period which we live in because we very well may be the ones who end our civilization. I’ve done this, so far, as an opponent to the people and organizations who I see as responsible for the fall, but today I change sides. Today, I join the GOP and become a Republican to better understand and document what is really going on in the world.

(artwork by Sean Davis)

Now I know this may be a surprise to many, but I am just so impressed with how the Republican party elects the absolute worst people into positions of power while also being in the minority in thought, in policy, and in the US House and Senate, and at the same time they are the ones who dictate political policy for the most powerful nation on the planet. Not only has the Republican party kept America from any sane progress towards battling climate change, ending the current pandemic, nor saving the economy, they continue to forcibly drag our entire society backward. They killed the Build Back Better bill, essentially gutted Roe v Wade, and they’re actively passing bills into law that make it harder for citizens to vote and make it illegal to teach race history in the form of banning critical race theory (even though they can’t define what that is).

I need to know how they get away with it. I mean, look at Justice Clarence Thomas’s wife, while he sits on the most conservative Supreme Court in generations (which also has the lowest public approval rating in history, not a coincidence), his wife is a right-wing activist and lawyer with access to her husband’s SCOTUS law clerks. Ginni Thomas is on the board of directors of Council for National Policy (C.N.P.), an organization that helps some of the most radical right-wing leaders get funding from very wealthy donors. She also is on the advisory board of Turning Point USA, a Trump-loving group that paid for the buses for protesters to get to the January 6 insurrection (they also invited Kyle Rittenhouse to speak at their last convention).

Here I am trying to win arguments with rhetoric, proving a person should take a lifesaving vaccine … and believing the more people who vote in a democratic republic, the better … but then they’re over there rocking out with Kid Rock …

I mean, how does the GOP get away with this shit? They must be geniuses. Here I am trying to win arguments with rhetoric, proving a person should take a lifesaving vaccine against a deadly pandemic, and believing the more people who vote in a democratic republic, the better the government will be, but then they’re over there rocking out with Kid Rock and hanging out with celebrities like Wayne Newton, Hulk Hogan, and Roseanne Barr. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with all these amazing Right-Wing Celebrities?

So, I’m going to infiltrate the Republican Party like Sean Connery’s character Zed infiltrated the Vortex in Zardoz. To really pull it off, I had to reach into the Deep State for a mentor by using some of the contacts I made during the secret meeting around New Year’s. The Deep State sent me a phone number and a time to call someone they called P. Domenici. The following is a transcript of the phone call of my Conservative Conversion:

Sean Davis (SD): Hello? Mister Domenici?

Domenici (DOM): [chewing sounds] … Yeah. So, I was told you needed a quick rebranding from liberal to God-fearing righteous conservative warrior. We call it, “doing a Duck Dynasty.” You ever think about growing and then trademarking a beard?

SD: I have a beard. It’s a bit shaggy.

DOM: Alright, good. How many flags can you fit on your truck?

SD: I, uh, none.

DOM: Are you even taking this seriously?! Don’t waste my time.

SD: Okay, sorry. My question is that, now that I’m a Republican, I wanted to know how to answer certain questions about all the shit we’re doing that’s ending the world. You know, if I’m asked by some sheeple or snowflakes? For example, there are tens of thousands, no, hundreds of thousands of scientific studies and articles proving climate change is real. What do I say if someone asks me about it?

DOM: [laughter] First off, if a lib says the word “science,” we’ve won already. We’ve spent decades changing the connotation of the word. Maybe back in the 1950s people respected scientists, today just saying the word either sends Republicans into a fit of rage or makes them check out of the conversation completely.

SD: Um, I don’t know … I mean how does that help me win the argument against the Dems?

DOM: [sigh] Okay, you obviously don’t get it. We don’t argue to try to win over the other side. We argue to piss off other Republicans, and that strengthens their fanatical views. We’ve found a way where being wrong makes us stronger. Oh, hey, if you’re lucky enough to be asked about climate change in the four or five weeks of winter we have every year, hold up a snowball, no one can argue with that. Worked for Senator Jim Inhofe.

SD: Next question. Why do we call ourselves conservatives? What do we conserve?

DOM: Values. We conserve values and we have conservative values. America. God. They’re attacking Christmas for fuck’s sake.

SD: What does that mean?

DOM: Whatever we want it to.

SD: Huh. Okay, but how do you … sorry, how do we get away with such obvious hypocrisies and misdirection? For example, we tell the world that we’re the religious party, we’re all about family values, and then we elect a president who raw-dogs porn stars and Playboy bunnies while his wife is days away from giving birth. Look at Matt Gaetz who proclaims to the world that he’s a champion of family values and today he’s under investigation for sex with a minor, sex trafficking, and obstruction of justice.

DOM: Yeah, yeah, we put him on a nationwide “America First” speaking tour with the crazy one from Georgia. The one who thought Jews were starting wildland fires with secret space lasers. All good.

SD: I don’t know. His buddy just flipped with a plea deal.

DOM: Fake news. All of it.

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SD: Oh, I, I’m pretty sure I read that in a few articles from reputable sources.

DOM: Okay. Stop. You’re missing the point. Anytime anyone brings up studies, articles, facts, and whatnot, you say “fake news.” We’ve spent millions creating our own infotainment channels and discrediting news sources. So, there’s no such thing as a reputable source anymore.

SD: Can we really get away with that?

DOM: Neil Young or Joe Rogan?

SD: I’m sorry—

DOM: Harvest Moon, Cinnamon Girl, Grammy Award-winning Neil Young, or eat a bull testicle reality show host and podcaster Joe Rogan?

SD: Neil Young?

DOM: [more laughter] Wrong! See, we can get away with anything. Remember in 2019, when Trump passed a bill to rid EPA advisory panels of scientists and then replace them with quote-unquote experts?

SD: No.

DOM: Neither does anyone else.

SD: Okay, it’s a lot to take in, but I think I have it. We don’t argue to beat our opponent. We argue to outrage our buddies because being outraged and wrong makes our side stronger. If I’m somehow losing an argument because of facts, I yell, “Fake news!” What are the other things I have to remember?

DOM: No, that’s it. That’s all you need. Well, until we get you to run for office and then we’ll need to get you a money guy and a PR manager. But … [pause] you know, you don’t have to switch over. You can still be on the winning side and be a Dem. You can Manchin it up. They come in so handy, especially if you want to throw a monkey wrench in national policies.

SD: You’re talking about West Virginia Democratic Senator Joe Manchin sinking Build Back Better?

DOM: And the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act and the Freedom to Vote Act and changing the filibuster, and whatever else we want him to vote against until we take the Senate back.

SD: No, I made my mind up. I’m switching over. Blue to Red.

DOM: [more laughter] We are the big tent party. We have everyone from Clint Eastwood to Kanye West.

SD: Thank you. I’m happy to be in the tent.

So, with that training, a polo shirt, and a new pair of khakis, they gave me their blessing to go out into the world as a card-carrying, family values first, conservative, holy warrior and spread the word of Reagan. I don’t expect becoming a Republican will harm or save the world any more or less than being a Democrat. The Democrats aren’t getting a lot done nowadays.

Love them or hate them, at least the Republicans are blatant with their inaction. I will do what I can to move up the ranks as fast as possible. Hey, who knows, now that Supreme Court Justice Stephen G. Breyer has announced his retirement, if I play my cards right, maybe I’ll get to help block Biden’s next Supreme Court Nomination.